#168: Complicated



I miss writing to an extent you can't imagine. I miss swaying with the words and meanings to come out with a total different sentence than the one I planned to write. I miss daydreaming and imagining things that aren't true just because it feels magical. I miss the friend in you.

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Things have been crazy, really crazy, since I last wrote. I got overwhelmed in life and work and love. I was super busy and super happy. And still, the busyness of life isn't leaving me alone. Now I feel tired, exhausted, yet willing to stay up and never let it go that easily, this time. I'm trying to fight, for a change. I'm not complaining, I'm affirming that I'm strong.

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Sometimes it's a leap of faith that you must take to pursue some kind of happiness. It's an opportunity you see and you wish not to let go easily. A dream that you look upon and keep wishing it turns into a reality.

You know how it might eventually turn out to be. You face yourself with the truth, and hope from deep of your heart that you are wrong. You trust your heart so much that you gamble with all you have and you pray you win. However how smart you should be before you take such a risk, you no longer mind the consequences because you have already chosen to follow the stars.

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They say I'm not determined enough. That I don't have a solid vision of my future. That I go by what pleases me first. I refuse this accusation. I see it differently. I seek happiness. I work for my future in different ways. I don’t have the same dreams as they do, I have much simpler ones. And maybe this is why they see me shallow and lost. I shall not think of how they see me. Eventually, how I see myself is the only thing that matters. And I'm working on believing in myself and loving myself first before anything else in the world.

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This time it'll be hard. Real hard. This time I'll chose to not to talk about it. This time I'll cry silently in my sleep. I might stop breathing normally. And I'll no longer care to fight for life anymore. If I failed this too.

And when the time comes to move on and live once again, I'll make sure to choose someone who's totally the opposite of you.

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