Daydreams...

الستر ... لما تبقى شايف الناس شايفاك إزاي مع إنها مش عارفة كل حاجة عنك، فتسيبهم شايفين اللي شايفينه وبس، اللي هو جزء صغير من الحقيقة اللي أنت عارفها، ومتلخبط كمان على طريقة ترجمتهم للأمور .. بتسيبهم لأنه شرح كل الأبعاد اللي أنت عارفها مُجهد ومحتاج قدرة نفسية كبيرة علشان تقدر توصله بالصورة اللي أنت فعلًا شايفها وكمان علشان تتأكد انه وصل واتقبل .. ده من ستر ربنا عليك .. إنك تكون الوحيد اللي عارف أبعاد الموضوع كله، وانه فيه أبعاد تانية مستخبية عن بقية الناس.. ماتزعلش لما تلاقي حد مش قادر يستوعب أو يفهم مشاعرك كلها على بعضها، وافتكر انه ده من ستر ربك عليك ورحمته بيك .. كفاية هو عارف ومقدر .. من ستر ربنا علينا ان ماحدش بيقدر يشوف ويستوعب كل حاجة حاصلة في حياتنا وجوانا .. من ستر ربنا علينا انه هو بس اللي عارف كل حاجة، حتى الحاجات اللي جوانا اللي إحنا مش عارفين نفهمها .. ربنا ستره جميل ورحيم ... اللهم سترك وعفوك ورضاك..

I could have made other choices. I could have planned for my day differently. I could have taken your pleasures into consideration. I could have done what it was supposed of me to do. But I didn’t. I chose to go with what would relief my heart, with what would make me happy and productive. Should I regret that?! Should I call myself selfish?! Yet, sometimes, no matter how much I know that regret is a wasted energy, I still do regret the actions I did. Now, I regret my honesty, I regret following my urges and my impatience. Couldn’t I have just waited to see how things would turn out to be on their own?! We could have been something else. But, we weren’t meant to. Because, eventually, we do have very little choices each second. And the range of choices we get is limited and linked to the choices we have made in the previous seconds. We can only choose now, we can only choose from what is really given to us now. And as much as this thought is freeing, as much as it is scar

Each’s life is not a straight line, nor a curved one. It is a bundle of paths, some intersect with each other, some are parallel, and some never meet. You simply have to walk through all paths at the same time, and it is exhausting. Some of these paths you’ll have to walk them all alone, and others you won’t be able to walk them except with certain people. Some paths you’ll have to wait in a line in order to start them, and others you will keep revolving around them many time s till you find an exit. Some paths may look familiar, others will be the strangest ever. Some will be too short, a lot more than you expect, and others will take you ages to finish. There will be paths that you may choose not to walk, but end up walking them anyway. Your collection of your life’s paths is unique. Only you who will walk them all in that special sequence. That is why your life is unique. No matter how many people walk with you or cross any of your paths, your life, your story, is yours, and

Imagine tasting the most delicious chocolate cake ever, you think it’s perfect. And then you are told that there is a mistake in the ingredients of that chocolate cake you have eaten. No one knows what went wrong, and they are sorry. How would that make you feel?!

I’m changing. I’m changing in a way that I cannot recognize. It’s getting out of my hands, but, I understand, it never was from the beginning. I have no idea what I’m doing, but I’m done questioning. And I cannot handle fear anymore. I no longer know who I am. And I stopped believing that I am something that doesn’t change. It’s a scary idea, that we change, it’s a scary truth to live. It seems like I’ll have to forget, every morning, because I keep remembering each night. I’ll have to forget the old me, the things I need to let go, and the expectations I dwell on. Because when the night comes, I crave for those things I used to know of myself, like a certain habit that doesn’t really relate to me anymore. I cannot comprehend how emotions are that fragile, they do change 180 degrees in a matter of seconds. I cannot grasp how could something so valuable start with a deepness that should have taken years to be built, and then it ends like it has never ever occurred. It

It’s okay to admit that you just can’t. That you can’t handle all of this at once. That you’re weaker than you thought. It’s okay. It’s totally your right. It’s okay to change your mind. To relapse, to run to your safe zone. It’s okay. Just remember, you can always come back. It’s safe.

I have seen strength in me that I never thought I had before. It amazed me. It frightened me. Who is this person who I am truly am? That free, open to new experiences, courageous, expressive, interesting, and creative person. Who is this?! It’s obviously me, when I let my guards down. That is me, without fear taking control. Yet, that version of me doesn’t show itself off except when it’s safe, and safety is a rare feeling to feel nowadays. So, here’s the thing, should we h old on to those things that make us feel the safest to be ourselves, or should we fear that safety net, thinking it might turn unsafe one day?! Does that even make any sense?! Now, as I recall my experiences, I have been strong all the way, and brave too! I never feared showing off my emotions when I knew they would be heard and listened to. I never feared giving before taking. I always start by giving. I truly believe in people, in the goodness in them, to the level where I accept their evilness whenever