#290: Love or Fear?!

I have seen strength in me that I never thought I had before. It amazed me. It frightened me. Who is this person who I am truly am? That free, open to new experiences, courageous, expressive, interesting, and creative person. Who is this?! It’s obviously me, when I let my guards down. That is me, without fear taking control.

Yet, that version of me doesn’t show itself off except when it’s safe, and safety is a rare feeling to feel nowadays.

So, here’s the thing, should we hold on to those things that make us feel the safest to be ourselves, or should we fear that safety net, thinking it might turn unsafe one day?! Does that even make any sense?!

Now, as I recall my experiences, I have been strong all the way, and brave too! I never feared showing off my emotions when I knew they would be heard and listened to. I never feared giving before taking. I always start by giving. I truly believe in people, in the goodness in them, to the level where I accept their evilness whenever it shows. It’s a trait I have never been aware of that much, except now. I’m proud of it.

Yet, here it comes.. the downside. I care, I show caring, I give, I embrace, I tolerate.. to an extent. When all of my givings don’t pay off, I switch on the other side. The side of becoming totally careless, the side of severity and cruelty; when my givings aren’t received with love.

This all is so very natural. It happens to almost everyone. But I can see it now, crystal clear.
I don’t want to be loved anymore just because I am a caring person. I want to be loved because I am special. And although my specialty is being a caring person, it doesn’t satisfy me anymore!

Doesn’t that just mean that I want to be loved for being someone who isn’t truly me?!! Would that make me live in fear, again?! Because, I’m honestly fed up with fear. It’s so confusing!!

And who am I to actually want anything, anyway?!! Wanting is just so egoistic!

#20mins of #ramblings

#expressive_writing or so they call it. :)