Daydreams...

Sometimes I feel like I need to breakdown and become weak. I believe I'm too strong that I'm starting to doubt the truthfulness of my feelings! And though I know that this is not true, that I do feel the pain, I'm just not so good enough at showing it. Or maybe I express it in ways other than the common breakdowns. I'm unique you know. And I don't understand why do I see my positive points as negatives, all the time. I mean it's good that I'm strong, yet I don't want this!! I want to be normal?! And who defines normality?? Rather than thinking that I'm not true enough, why don't I think that I'm doing it right, that I'm wiser than most of people. Why do I lower my self esteem, instead of boosting it? I'm perfect the way I am. And I won't even start mentioning what I do wrong in my life. At least for a while. Until I get to believe in myself again.

The pain stays inside the heart of the broken. It never leaves. It just gets forgotten within all the other emotions indulging the heart. This is why they say that the best medicine to heal a broken heart is engaging it with other positive feelings. An expensive medicine it is indeed. However, the pain is worth forgetting. It's hard. To pretend that the last four years of your life haven't existed. Yet, it's worth pretending. I'll pretend it's okay. Isn't it??

I've only listened because I respect you, I respect your anger and care about me. And I couldn't tell you that all you're saying is exactly what I'm thinking. I can't make you trust me again. I can't make you understand that I am strong enough to appreciate all the good you did to me. I can't convince you that I'm right and not by any means wrong. That I stood up for my right and your rights too. I can't tell you that I'm a good daughter. It's something that must be proven, not said. But what you did didn't help me much. It only increased my pain. Not because what you were saying was wrong. But because the words were tough. Very tough indeed. You've put my self esteem down. You've made me feel like a worthless messy ignorant person. Maybe you think this supports me; but it doesn't. This isn't what I need right now. And how could I even know what I actually need. I'm broken, lost and my thoughts are messed up.

- Where have you been all my life? - In the gift shop.

Here's what happens to the heart when it gets shot. It's like glass, you know. When a sheet of glass gets shot by a bullet, it shatters and gets divided into millions of small pieces. Yet the pieces stay intact, they stay in place for moments letting the glass figure out whether it'll fall down and break or there might be a hope it get fixed. And then suddenly it falls down broken into very little pieces, and what was once a figure now becomes nothing. That's what happens to the heart when it gets shot by a bullet of betrayal, disappointment, and regret.

And what hurts me the most is that I'll have to start all over again from the beginning. Like all the past years never existed. Maybe losing my memory would help. At least I wouldn't be knowing that I have previously tried and failed. All I need is to find Hope again. To live and anticipate for something, something specific and beautiful, that will happen soon. فصبر جميل ... الحمد لله رب العالمين

Exactly like these days last year, the same events were happening. Everything is the same, and it's even fortified now. Will I live my next year exactly like my past? Will I be repeating my life and never moving a step forward? Is that what you think I'll do? After all that has been done and said? Do you really think I'm that dump?! Is that how much you love me???!! NO, I refuse. I'm a lot stronger than this. I'm sorry. Not for myself, I don’t regret anything, at all. I feel sorry for you. That you have lost such a great opportunity and a great deal. I am sorry that I have trusted you on my own happiness. I gave it to you totally and you weren't responsible enough to keep it safe. And to my big surprise you do admit your crime. You haven't fought for me. It hurts. Deeply! That I still love you. I still give you excuses. And I'm still not mad at you for anything. As a matter of fact I appreciate everything you did for me. I appreciate and respect you. An

I stood on an edge. I thought I would fly. And in a blink I found myself dead on the ground. They say expectations is the root of all heartache. It's true you know. When disappointments are all you are left with, will there be anything left to say?! You have thrown me so many times before. And this time you've thrown yourself with me too. We're both dead now. I don't blame you. Never will I. I've trusted you all my life and that won't change now. Because I have faith, huge faith, that Allah gives me the best of the best and there will be so many beautiful things waiting for me. I have faith that Allah's mercy is a lot bigger than any blocks falling on my head. And I understand how it's hard for you too. I appreciate all the things you did for me and all the dreams you dreamed. But as far as it comes to us, we'll never be each other's. Not even in our dreams, not anymore. I never wanted to give up on us that easily, but it seems

I miss writing to an extent you can't imagine. I miss swaying with the words and meanings to come out with a total different sentence than the one I planned to write. I miss daydreaming and imagining things that aren't true just because it feels magical. I miss the friend in you. --------------------------------------- Things have been crazy, really crazy, since I last wrote. I got overwhelmed in life and work and love. I was super busy and super happy. And still, the busyness of life isn't leaving me alone. Now I feel tired, exhausted, yet willing to stay up and never let it go that easily, this time. I'm trying to fight, for a change. I'm not complaining, I'm affirming that I'm strong. --------------------------------------- Sometimes it's a leap of faith that you must take to pursue some kind of happiness. It's an opportunity you see and you wish not to let go easily. A dream that you look upon and keep wishing it turns into a reality. You know h