Daydreams...

I'm hiding behind my job. I'm hiding behind my anxieties. I'm hiding behind my loneliness. I'm hiding behind my grief. I am just hiding. I'm too scared to face the world as it is, with all its beauty and ugliness. I'm too afraid I won't be happy, so I leave myself stuck in unhappiness. And I just don't understand why am I hiding?! Have I been brutally hit on my head? What am I hiding from? Life? Why do I fear it that much? Why do I feel empty whenever I get nothing to do, when I get to be left alone? Why do I always fail my dreams? Why do I let people come first before me? Where is me? What is me? Will I stay in this dilemma forever? Will I ever start taking care of myself and what I need? Will I ever take that first step? Will I persist? Will I ever live the life I keep dreaming? Will I ever stop dreaming, and actually start doing? I feel alone. I don't want to be alone, although I might be the o...

It has been three months now. I was not counting, by the way, because I lost track of the day when my misery began. But today I exerted that extra effort to know when it was exactly. Three months of fighting and denying. I had no idea it would be this hard. I had no idea that without you I'd feel this much of loneliness. I thought I was already over you long ago. And guess what! I dreamed I was chasing you, running to catch you, barefoot! What a dream! Why in hell would I ever chase you?! Anyway, your birthday passed, and thank God I managed to pass this day safely. But I still remember it!  They say writing helps, so I'm writing. And I don't care anymore who would read. This is a step forward. I'm trying hard to disconnect from the world and get in touch with me. I'm trying not to deny anymore. I'm changing. Yes, the change is out of pain, but that is how people change, right? I'm only trying to control that change and drive it into good, a...

In my reality, you are not the man of my dreams. Hold on a second, you're not even in my dreams! It's the first time, since you departed, that I am fine with the fact that you will not stay in my life any longer. I am not holding grudges any more. I am letting you go, gratefully, and I don't want you to even try any harder. Because, well, you have just lost all your chances. I'm setting you free. You are no longer obligated to do anything. In fact, you have always been free, and it has been always your call. This time, I am just not holding any expectations. Actually, I am denying the whole idea. I am taking control, and I am rejecting!

I have always hated dreams. Simply because they are true! Think about it; dreams always tend to face you, either with your deepest fears, or your deepest desires. Both ways, you will get hurt, because you wouldn't like to face your fears that you can't change, or your desires that you can't fulfill. Looking from the other side, dreams tell you the truth about who you are, and who you want to be. So, dreams help you discover yourself, which I think is an advantage. Anyhow, change is hard, and facing reality is even harder. That is why I'm not a fan of dreams, and I wish I could never dream, because they, literally, ruin my reality!

Dear old friend, I have no idea how I had a dream of you last night, but ever since I woke up this morning, I couldn't let go of your picture in my mind. I miss you, dear friend. I miss you badly. I wonder if you miss me too. I wonder why you have abandoned our friendship. I wonder if you too dream of me every once and awhile. How come does my mind still remember you, specially in the midst of such emotionally exhausting days? I have this belief in dreams that they come right in the time we need them the most. Is my dream a sign of anything at all? Or is it just a game my mind decided to play randomly. I wish you could only know how much I miss you, how much I love you, though all the heartache you have caused me. I just want my friend back. Can I?! The friend who misses you.

I’m starting over. Starting fresh and new, just the way I like it. And not just that! My dream is actually coming true. Everything I ever wanted, or even just thought or dreamed of, is becoming a reality. But hey, it’s not all pinky and easy. My dream is achieved with Allah’s, the most generous and the most merciful, blessings. Alhamdulillah. However, the dream must be maintained, and that’s by the hardest and most passionate work I could ever do. It’s a huge responsibility. Blessings, however, always come with responsibilities, that indeed I’m totally, inshaa’Allah, ready to take them effortlessly. I’m happy. Stressed, yet happy. I don’t feel hungry anymore! And I’m learning. I won’t stop. So I need to remember this. I need to sustain this fire within me. Remind me if I ever forget! :)

- Where have you been all my life? - In the gift shop.

I miss writing to an extent you can't imagine. I miss swaying with the words and meanings to come out with a total different sentence than the one I planned to write. I miss daydreaming and imagining things that aren't true just because it feels magical. I miss the friend in you. --------------------------------------- Things have been crazy, really crazy, since I last wrote. I got overwhelmed in life and work and love. I was super busy and super happy. And still, the busyness of life isn't leaving me alone. Now I feel tired, exhausted, yet willing to stay up and never let it go that easily, this time. I'm trying to fight, for a change. I'm not complaining, I'm affirming that I'm strong. --------------------------------------- Sometimes it's a leap of faith that you must take to pursue some kind of happiness. It's an opportunity you see and you wish not to let go easily. A dream that you look upon and keep wishing it turns into a reality. You know h...

She hanged up the phone softly, wore a huge smile on her face, leaned on the nearest wall, and kept imagining how her life would turn upside down. Now that all she had ever dreamed to have and experience would come true. The smile never left her face, it just started to fade away little by little to be replaced by a  look of thoughtfulness and worry. The shadow of responsibility has been zooming around her since the minute she had applied for that job, the job of her dreams. She had always been dreaming of a career that would allow her to travel all around the world, discover new places and new people, and be able to give a hand to everyone who needs help. Working for an international agency was her way to achieve a part of her dreams. And that call she had just received has put her on the first steps towards her fantasy. Yet being reallocated in Dubai was the scariest thing of all. Being on her own, leaving her family for the very first time of her life, even if it ...

Now that it's only three days left for this year to end and a new year begins, I can tell that it has been a rapid year. It has been exactly how I predicted it. A year full of events, a very busy one. It has passed too quickly that I honestly can't remember what had I exactly done. I know I did a lot, I know I've been through a lot. I know I have had many random and conflicting feelings and thoughts about myself, my life, and my surrounding. And I'm sure I have learned a lot, or so I hope. I'm still learning though. See, I don’t actually consider this restart of the days counter as a stop and replay of life. Life goes on. That's a fact no one can change. Life is playing live and I have to pace with it. I can't stop now. So I don’t know what to tell you. Because all days have been the same, and all the coming days will also be the same. Yet I know I have achieved. Indeed I've witnessed a new beginning for my life; a kind of. I've grown up a year, I h...

Dreams hurt. When you dream of things that are beyond reality. Dreams are then hurtful. Don’t tell me nothing is impossible and you can make all dreams come true. Because, well, yes nothing is impossible and all dreams can come true, but some dreams are just unrealistic to an extent that the idea of them coming true would be a dramatic shocking truth. So, no they won’t easily come true, not even hardly. They just won’t, however how happy they are. And then they leave you helpless, breathless, unable to think or move. And you keep wondering: “Why now? and What does it mean?” Because at the moment you thought you were over it, you stopped thinking about it, and that it wouldn't be a problem to you anymore, you find yourself dreaming of it, thinking of it deep inside the back of your head. The funny part is that you were so happy in your dream. The kind of happiness you think you truly deserve. Everyone was happy too. It was like something even beyond your wildest drea...

It's an attitude. And moreover, it's a choice. You know that saying that when you're a kid, you're dying to graduate from school, and you can't wait when you'll be at college where there is the life you're expecting and dreaming of. Then when you're at college, you're dying to graduate and go beyond life and into your dreams and all the real practical life experiences. Then you graduate and get a job, that you find, after awhile, that it isn't as anything you had ever dreamed of. So you're dying for another opportunity to find the life of your dreams. And another, then another ... You never settle down. Then you feel that you don't want to end up alone, that the time has come to find a stable relationship that opens the doors of happiness for you. You're dying to get married, until you do. Then you're dying to build a home and a family, a family of your own. You buy a bigger house, you find a better job, you hold the responsibili...

What am I supposed to do when you're not there by my side? I turn to my left and I expect to see you; you're not there. Time doesn't pass easily without your sweet words and looks. And I live a hard time when I don't hear your voice. Yet, I understand that you had to go. I even understand that you shouldn't be here where I want you to be. I understand that you're only available in the world of my dreams. I understand that I can fancy as much as I'd like, and nothing will ever become true. And I also understand that it's out of your hands. You don't know. And you shouldn't know. But I can't help not saying that I wish I had a brother like you.

Life is beautiful, indeed! Life has a lot of beautiful things out there waiting for me to enjoy. It was me, I was the one who wasn't getting the beauty of life and spending my life hiding under my bed. Then I figured out why I'm hiding, it's because I making myself believe that I have no idea how I shall enjoy the life I wish to enjoy. And this is a lesson I can pass to you, never make yourself believe things that aren't true! Don't assume before you learn very well if your assumption has a huge possibility of being right or not. However, I must admit I have some clues and I'm getting the rest soon.  Everyday is a day to remember, to learn, to enjoy, to live and so to dream...  So, yes, everyday deserves to be written. But it's the will to write that matters, because sometimes you may have a lot of things to talk about, yet you don't want to talk, and sometimes you have nothing at all to say, but you do manage to say something just because you...

A year and two days ago, I've said: "One can't live without having what's worth living for. As one tale ends so another begins; and as each day is a new tale to be told, each day is a day to learn and know more, each day is a day to dream and hope.  Then each day deserves to be written. And I'll commit to writing everyday. I'll commit to what's worth living for. Let's call it a project that I'll be working on and you're helping me. Let's say I'll be writing my next whole year, everyday over here. And together we'll help and support, we'll learn and know, we'll inspire and change, we'll share thoughts and insights and we'll face life with a smile even when it keeps frowning." So, Happy Anniversary dear blog, my daydreams. And though I've promised to write my whole past year, I didn't keep my promise. I've only written less than half a year. However, I'm not to say that the...

I have a dream, a life of my own imagination, a life I wish to live one day, the life of my dreams. Yet, you and my dream don't seem like you fit together! كان نفسي احكي للناس عنك و اتباهى بيك. و كل شوية اجيب في سيرتك. و كل ما حد يكلمني عن موضوع جديد اقوله: "آه, حبيبي حكالي القصة دي". بدل ما كل ما افتكرك بيني و بين نفسي, اسكت و ما اتكلمش و اقول لعقلي: "مش تنسى بقى؟!" و اقول لقلبي: "لسة بتحن له؟! بعد ما كسر لك حلمك؟!" ... بقيت بالنسبة لي تجربة و عدت بعد ما كنت في نفسي كل حياتي. ولو أن حلمي بيك مش هيكمل! فحلمي معاك مش هيكون!   و أنا اخترت احلم!ا

So, once again, I'm stuck in the world of dreams. Dreams which only exist between the walls of my brain. And I'm not happy. I've been happier when the walls of my brain were empty, and my hands were busy working on the world of realities. And I know, I know what bought me back to the dreams, I know what made me hide again inside the walls of my brain. And I don't know how to get myself out of myself. I'm stuck!

Yesterday is not coming back, however bad or good, it ends at the moment we fall asleep. And tomorrow is a new day to come, that's a fact you can't run away from. By new I mean that it's totally unpredictable, even if you can do some guessing, you can never be sure, never! But today is your day, the only day you have a full control of. Today starts the minute you wake up; and then you have a choice to make at the minute you open up your eyes and get fully conscious. It's a decision whether you'll gladly accept today, the day that's given to you to be in full control of it, or you'd throw it away. It's your choice. Today I've chosen to do, get out and just go get what I want! Today was like a dream coming true, what happened in every minute of the day and how I felt was just indescribable. Hope spoke to me today, it whispered into my ears and said that it's looking upon me. Then some very true friendship came along to say that it exists really ...

Well, yes! There's something, something occupying my mind. I mean it's trying to, trying to jam into my mind so that I think about it and... and I know that the consequences are not on my side! That's why I don't want to talk, I don't want to think. Because I don't want to ruin it. Because it's so sweet to be true. It's like a dream coming bit by bit true. But here's why I don't want to think it over. Because it's like happening in a wrong time. Because, I've let go that dream months ago and I've moved on and had other dreams. Why is it coming to chase me again?! Because every dream we dream, if it doesn't come true when it's supposed to, it loses its identity. I guess! So...I'll just live it as it is. I won't think about it or even mention it. Like I forget it happened. And I'll try to enjoy it as much as I can, so that when it all goes away, I don't get hurt and I don't get to miss it too. Because ...

I've had a dream, no it's a nightmare. Because in that dream I dreamed last night, all of my life's dreams crashed down. I've lost you! Dramatically. I didn't want to talk about it because talking about it makes it stay longer inside my head. I've been avoiding it but I fail and it never leaves me alone, every now and then the picture of you leaving and me crying, according to that awkward nightmare, pops up on my mind! And I had a hard time convincing myself in the morning when I woke up that you are still here, still beside me. Yes I get scared, so many times and every time actually. Every time I think I've lost someone. I get scared of what the future might bring for us. I'm scared of the idea that I might be left alone one day with no one beside me when I need people the most! I fear having no one to share my laughs and my tears whenever I laugh or shed a tear. Yes I'm too afraid. I'm too afraid to reap what I've sown, though I haven...