#220: It has been a while

It has been three months now. I was not counting, by the way, because I lost track of the day when my misery began. But today I exerted that extra effort to know when it was exactly. Three months of fighting and denying.

I had no idea it would be this hard. I had no idea that without you I'd feel this much of loneliness. I thought I was already over you long ago. And guess what! I dreamed I was chasing you, running to catch you, barefoot! What a dream! Why in hell would I ever chase you?!

Anyway, your birthday passed, and thank God I managed to pass this day safely. But I still remember it! 

They say writing helps, so I'm writing. And I don't care anymore who would read. This is a step forward.

I'm trying hard to disconnect from the world and get in touch with me. I'm trying not to deny anymore. I'm changing. Yes, the change is out of pain, but that is how people change, right? I'm only trying to control that change and drive it into good, and not evil.

Wish me luck, because I need it. Because I can't lose myself, I don't want to. And it is really really hard to keep hold of yourself when everything around you is falling apart. What hurts me the most, is that no one is here to help me pick up the shattered pieces of myself. But, that is okay. I know that one day I must learn how to depend on no one but me. And this day has come. It is time for some new lessons.

Pray I don't lose myself, pray that I find a better version of myself.

And kindly, don't lose hope in me. Don't go away, no matter how much I push you.