Daydreams...

It has been three months now. I was not counting, by the way, because I lost track of the day when my misery began. But today I exerted that extra effort to know when it was exactly. Three months of fighting and denying. I had no idea it would be this hard. I had no idea that without you I'd feel this much of loneliness. I thought I was already over you long ago. And guess what! I dreamed I was chasing you, running to catch you, barefoot! What a dream! Why in hell would I ever chase you?! Anyway, your birthday passed, and thank God I managed to pass this day safely. But I still remember it!  They say writing helps, so I'm writing. And I don't care anymore who would read. This is a step forward. I'm trying hard to disconnect from the world and get in touch with me. I'm trying not to deny anymore. I'm changing. Yes, the change is out of pain, but that is how people change, right? I'm only trying to control that change and drive it into good, a...

Dear future husband, You’re the one who knows me best, or so I believe. You’re the one who knows my life, how it was, and how I’d like it to be. You’re the one who knows my conditions and situations. You know what I've been through, what I've missed in my life, and what have hurt me the most. You know it all.  So, now, I deliver you the responsibility of making it all up for me. Everything I've missed in my life, I want you to be it, and make it happen for me. I’m looking highly up at you. And I know, with every piece of my heart, that you will never let me down. You’ll be my father, before you are my husband. You’ll be my brother, before you are my lover. And you’ll be my everything. I depend on you. And I’ll depend more. For I’ll give you my all. And you know how ready I am to do so. And I’m not afraid. I don’t worry at all. Because I trust you. And before I trust you, I trust God. Because I've prayed to God, to make you the person...

You should have asked first. You really did. It isn't something that you own alone. We all did. Not just because it was first suggested by you, you'll consider yourself the only one responsible for it! We should have talked about it. Maybe we could have found another different solution than the one you came up with and forced on all of us. Maybe I would have suggested that we break it all up. Maybe you would have spoken to me about how important we should keep going and never give up. You should have cared, about how I would feel, about how we'd all feel. We should have studied it together, analyzed it from each other's views, and came up with a decision that satisfies all of us. Now see where you've put me. I'm there, yet I'm absent. I'm not interested anymore, and I'm losing my passion. And, to me, it no longer feels mine. It's all yours, and according to your decision, do whichever you'd like about it. You're forcing me to go. Yet...

"It's better to let someone walk away from you than walk all over you." I won't blame you if you left. I won't blame you if you disappeared now. I won't blame you if you stopped talking to me. I admit I'd be curious for a while, but then, I won't blame you. On the contrary, I'd be relieved! But please don't hurt me before you go. You've already hurt me once and twice, and the thrice I won't handle! I just wouldn't stand seeing myself being hurt by you for a third time. Just leave, without a notice. Just leave, and don't excuse yourself. Don't make a scene. Don't say I was wrong. Don't hurt me again!

They get all stressed up, not because of all the things they have to do, but because of all the things they started but haven't finished yet. I have a plan, I know what I should do, but that what I should do doesn't yet speak to my soul, it hasn't touched my heart yet. And I don't know how long shall I wait till it makes a print on me, or what else I have to do to make it speak?! Writing isn't that easy, I came to understand. It's only easy when it means to make yourself feel better, so you pour on all your negative emotions on a piece of a white paper. So you think by that you are cleaning your heart from all the stains that are left on it. Sometimes it works, sometimes you're just running away from your heart. Because sometimes you say the truth and help your heart figure it all out, and sometimes you just walk around your heart and never go deeply through it. It's a matter of how much can you get linked with your heart, and no one can actually fi...

All my life I've been trying to put my life on track, and I keep failing. But I come back another day, and I try again. For I believe one day I'll find the track I'm looking for. But then you come along, and you ruin my life. And all my trials and all my plans, wishes, and hopes get smashed in front of my eyes. And I take time, a lot of time, to get myself glued back together. But when I finally manage that, you find another way to break me. I've let you do so, I know. And I'm still letting you, I know. But you keep telling me you're doing this for me. I believe you. I believe I'm selfish enough if I don't believe you. And it's all your fault. You've lead me into submission. And I've lost myself in you. No that is not a good thing. And no, you won't give up. But I won't stop praying. I won't give in. And I'll keep trying, till death do us part. That's a promise I can keep!

"When I look into your eyes, it's like watching the night sky or a beautiful sunrise. I won't give up on us even if the skies get rough. I'm giving you all my love, I'm still looking up. And when you are needing your space, I'll be here patiently waiting. We have got a lot to learn; God knows we are worth it. NO, I won't give up." * What would you say if these words were said to you? *Listen  here

You are on the radio. You're in every song I listen to. You're on the TV. And you're even inside my laptop. You're in the coffee I drink; and you're there sitting beside me drinking. You're everywhere I go. You're walking at every street and passing by me with your car. You're everywhere. And I don't know what hurts the most, the fact that you are actually not there? That you are untouchable, and unreachable. Or the fact that you are somewhere else, totally different, and totally far away. That there's no chance ever of meeting you coincidentally?!

It was strange, to me, that feeling I felt the minute I saw your face. It was like an unexpected reaction coming out of me, I was taken by the surprise that it can happen, and that easily. And then another one, very odd feeling, very relieving and breath taking feeling, the first time I saw your smile and your laugh. Then this one, the one that I can't believe how I could feel it, the one that proves to me that true and real love has a totally different and sweeter taste when it comes in its right moment, that true love is so much worth the wait, even if I'll wait forever. But the strangest of them all was that feeling I had, the next day, where I could sense you anywhere I went to, or whenever my phone rang! And I've no idea what does this all mean? Is it just a thrill of something new? Is it a soul finding its peace somewhere near? Or is it just a sign that there's something much better left for me, than what I thought I can just settle for? Or am I that eas...

Don't you ever think it's easy on me to see you leaving like this. Don't your ever think that I don't care, that I'm not hurt. Don't you ever doubt that I haven't loved you enough. But don't you ever think that you're irreplaceable. Because you are, replaceable. Everyone is. Don't you think I'd wait. Didn't you know that I'd hate to wait?  Didn't you know that I would not have been able to fight? This is not for you, this is for me. Because I know this would be harsh on you. But this is what holds me up, and I'm sure you wouldn't like to see me down, right? So Don't you ever think it's easy on me!

How do I get to choose? When the reason why I have to pass you by and choose not to choose you, is the same reason why I have to stick to you, insist on you, never let you go easily, and choose you with every will I have. I don't get to choose! There's no choice in here, there's only fate waited to be assigned to take over and choose for me. Finally, I choose to not have the choice. And that's the best option I have. The best I can do.

I came to realize that you are not the person who I thought you were. I remember the day I announced you as a dear and best friend. And I remember you saying how glad you are. But then, you never treated me that way. Maybe once or twice, just because it was easy at that time to do so, just because you too needed a friend. But no, you never were a friend to me, and I don't believe you'd ever be. I'm not disappointed or anything. I just keep saying this out loud to myself to accept the fact that not everything I would wish for, I would get. 

It so hard like a rock that if it falls on you, you'll die! When you know that you've been replaced. Or that's how you think. When you reserve for someone a large portion of your heart, but then you're faced with the fact that that someone never came to fit in that place in your heart. However, the past sentences don't represent how I feel right now. Because I'm so happy, I'm deeply drown into happiness. Because memories have been recalled today for me. Because, today, words from the heart were spread everywhere. Because I love and I'm loved back. Because I have faith, and I have hopes. And I can smile and can make others smile too. Well, I won't be fair to describe it more. Because it should be felt and not told. However again, somethings are still repeating themselves up, some hurtful, heart-breaking stuff! But here I am, strong and bright and happy and willing to fight. I was about to go, but I have this on my mind: Maybe you don't know...

I've had a dream, no it's a nightmare. Because in that dream I dreamed last night, all of my life's dreams crashed down. I've lost you! Dramatically. I didn't want to talk about it because talking about it makes it stay longer inside my head. I've been avoiding it but I fail and it never leaves me alone, every now and then the picture of you leaving and me crying, according to that awkward nightmare, pops up on my mind! And I had a hard time convincing myself in the morning when I woke up that you are still here, still beside me. Yes I get scared, so many times and every time actually. Every time I think I've lost someone. I get scared of what the future might bring for us. I'm scared of the idea that I might be left alone one day with no one beside me when I need people the most! I fear having no one to share my laughs and my tears whenever I laugh or shed a tear. Yes I'm too afraid. I'm too afraid to reap what I've sown, though I haven...

With a mix of pride, contentment, tiredness, enjoyment, laughter, walking, easiness, and lots of happiness around me, I had a happy day today. Sadly it ended with a big disappointment, and a shock. When I found myself like a fool who can't understand a thing as I have I no idea what they were talking about! Though I thought I'd be the first to know before anyone else could know anything at all. I was hurt, deeply, because I could have never imagined that coming from you, you: the one who I thought together we were inseparable. Now it's like we are strangers! ... I'm shocked! I wonder whose fault is that? Mine? Because I disappeared for a while, because i walked out of the picture for just some little minutes? Why haven't you called me to get back into the picture quickly?! I'm desperately in need of an answer to the question: "What happened to us? What brought us to here?" posted from Bloggeroid

You break hearts, and you fix them. You make hearts beat fast in happiness and in grief. Hearts can easily fall on your hands. Like butterflies, you gather them in jars. And you don't even know it. Or maybe you do. But it's beautiful, too beautiful to be true. Because it's never your fault, it's the hearts' fault for falling inside your jar. The funny part is that you keep the jar open for hearts to break free, but they don't, they love staying inside, because, honestly, it's warm and beautiful. And it's beautiful because you really take good care of the hearts which fall inside your jars. But sometimes you skip and miss a heart or two, maybe you haven't noticed them falling or you just thought they flew away, this is the only time you break a heart. It's wonderful how hearts come looking for you though you haven't called for any at all. It's wonderful how hearts seek your help, though you don't look like a one who mends broken h...

It's like I'm okay till I get to remember you! And, it doesn't end there, it goes all the way to you and your life. What hurts the most is knowing that your life is good and you're happy, but I'm not the reason. I, then, ask myself: Where am I? Did you ask yourself such a question?! That place didn't fit me. I don't fit to those people or to their lives. Like they are in pace with each other, each one has an update and a story to tell. But I'm totally out of pace, I'm quiet. But I do so much believe that each one has a totally different life than the other, and it's not necessary to have a life like theirs, I just need to have a life. I only have a dream of  life.  [Read  this ! It's important. The picture is from there too.] Another friend of mine got married today! Wow,  I'm really so happy for her, she deserves the best! =)) And after all, I've enjoyed a warm family dinner. It was so pleasing and sweet, just like years a...

Somewhere out of all this haze I'm living in, I miss you. It has been always like that, missing you every time everywhere. But who do I miss and what exactly do I miss? Because recently you haven't been who I knew you are. Maybe you have changed or maybe it's me. I think I just miss what I haven't ever got. But it was you who made me expect what I have been wishing for, which is what I miss right now. What happened to me? I thought this was over. I was over expecting and over wishing. But somewhere deep inside of my heart I still long for...for something, I don't know even what to call it. All I know is that I miss you. I miss your existence. I miss being inspired. And I miss having true deep giggles that come from real happiness, not just a fake full of lust one! I don't know what to call this moment?! A moment of awakening or a moment of weakness! But I hate what's going on my mind. My sick schizophrenic mind!!