#225: Hiding

I'm hiding behind my job.

I'm hiding behind my anxieties.

I'm hiding behind my loneliness.

I'm hiding behind my grief.

I am just hiding.

I'm too scared to face the world as it is, with all its beauty and ugliness.

I'm too afraid I won't be happy, so I leave myself stuck in unhappiness.

And I just don't understand why am I hiding?!

Have I been brutally hit on my head?

What am I hiding from? Life?

Why do I fear it that much?

Why do I feel empty whenever I get nothing to do, when I get to be left alone?

Why do I always fail my dreams?

Why do I let people come first before me?

Where is me?

What is me?

Will I stay in this dilemma forever?

Will I ever start taking care of myself and what I need?

Will I ever take that first step?

Will I persist?

Will I ever live the life I keep dreaming?

Will I ever stop dreaming, and actually start doing?

I feel alone. I don't want to be alone, although I might be the one who pushes people away. I seek loneliness. It is becoming my ugly comfort zone. I need to break this. I just don't know how to. I have many barriers, and many mind obstacles to crash before I can let go. Let go my fear, my anxieties, my loneliness. What else do I need to let go? What else do I have that keeps me locked? What has actually happened to me to have all those repressed feelings?

I know I have serious problems. I just can't seem to know how to control them, or how to solve them. They say knowing your problems is halfway to solve them. I am stuck in halfway.

What do I seek? Perfection? Excellence? Happiness?

I need to have some ice cream!