Daydreams...

I'm hiding behind my job. I'm hiding behind my anxieties. I'm hiding behind my loneliness. I'm hiding behind my grief. I am just hiding. I'm too scared to face the world as it is, with all its beauty and ugliness. I'm too afraid I won't be happy, so I leave myself stuck in unhappiness. And I just don't understand why am I hiding?! Have I been brutally hit on my head? What am I hiding from? Life? Why do I fear it that much? Why do I feel empty whenever I get nothing to do, when I get to be left alone? Why do I always fail my dreams? Why do I let people come first before me? Where is me? What is me? Will I stay in this dilemma forever? Will I ever start taking care of myself and what I need? Will I ever take that first step? Will I persist? Will I ever live the life I keep dreaming? Will I ever stop dreaming, and actually start doing? I feel alone. I don't want to be alone, although I might be the o...

From where shall I start?! Three years ago, or maybe more, I have been keeping a secret journal where I used to lay down all my feelings and fantasies about a love that I was not able to admit. Back then, I knew these feelings were not right, and it was not a true love, and that is why I couldn't admit it. Randomly finding this journal, and reading it today, made me discover how naive I was for believing in my feelings. But then again, who am I to judge my former feelings. I mean, this is not right; feelings are supposed to be always right. Actually, they do not fall in the categorization as right or wrong. They are just feelings that come to us and we must accept them as they are. We should not judge our own feelings to say they are right or not. We should accept them, and let them be felt as is. So, maybe I was right about everything I have felt back then, because up till this moment I still fall for the same things, and the same feelings. What actually matter are the decisions ...

Sometimes I feel like I need to breakdown and become weak. I believe I'm too strong that I'm starting to doubt the truthfulness of my feelings! And though I know that this is not true, that I do feel the pain, I'm just not so good enough at showing it. Or maybe I express it in ways other than the common breakdowns. I'm unique you know. And I don't understand why do I see my positive points as negatives, all the time. I mean it's good that I'm strong, yet I don't want this!! I want to be normal?! And who defines normality?? Rather than thinking that I'm not true enough, why don't I think that I'm doing it right, that I'm wiser than most of people. Why do I lower my self esteem, instead of boosting it? I'm perfect the way I am. And I won't even start mentioning what I do wrong in my life. At least for a while. Until I get to believe in myself again.

They get all stressed up, not because of all the things they have to do, but because of all the things they started but haven't finished yet. I have a plan, I know what I should do, but that what I should do doesn't yet speak to my soul, it hasn't touched my heart yet. And I don't know how long shall I wait till it makes a print on me, or what else I have to do to make it speak?! Writing isn't that easy, I came to understand. It's only easy when it means to make yourself feel better, so you pour on all your negative emotions on a piece of a white paper. So you think by that you are cleaning your heart from all the stains that are left on it. Sometimes it works, sometimes you're just running away from your heart. Because sometimes you say the truth and help your heart figure it all out, and sometimes you just walk around your heart and never go deeply through it. It's a matter of how much can you get linked with your heart, and no one can actually fi...

I have a dream, a life of my own imagination, a life I wish to live one day, the life of my dreams. Yet, you and my dream don't seem like you fit together! كان نفسي احكي للناس عنك و اتباهى بيك. و كل شوية اجيب في سيرتك. و كل ما حد يكلمني عن موضوع جديد اقوله: "آه, حبيبي حكالي القصة دي". بدل ما كل ما افتكرك بيني و بين نفسي, اسكت و ما اتكلمش و اقول لعقلي: "مش تنسى بقى؟!" و اقول لقلبي: "لسة بتحن له؟! بعد ما كسر لك حلمك؟!" ... بقيت بالنسبة لي تجربة و عدت بعد ما كنت في نفسي كل حياتي. ولو أن حلمي بيك مش هيكمل! فحلمي معاك مش هيكون!   و أنا اخترت احلم!ا

It was strange, to me, that feeling I felt the minute I saw your face. It was like an unexpected reaction coming out of me, I was taken by the surprise that it can happen, and that easily. And then another one, very odd feeling, very relieving and breath taking feeling, the first time I saw your smile and your laugh. Then this one, the one that I can't believe how I could feel it, the one that proves to me that true and real love has a totally different and sweeter taste when it comes in its right moment, that true love is so much worth the wait, even if I'll wait forever. But the strangest of them all was that feeling I had, the next day, where I could sense you anywhere I went to, or whenever my phone rang! And I've no idea what does this all mean? Is it just a thrill of something new? Is it a soul finding its peace somewhere near? Or is it just a sign that there's something much better left for me, than what I thought I can just settle for? Or am I that eas...

Don't you ever think it's easy on me to see you leaving like this. Don't your ever think that I don't care, that I'm not hurt. Don't you ever doubt that I haven't loved you enough. But don't you ever think that you're irreplaceable. Because you are, replaceable. Everyone is. Don't you think I'd wait. Didn't you know that I'd hate to wait?  Didn't you know that I would not have been able to fight? This is not for you, this is for me. Because I know this would be harsh on you. But this is what holds me up, and I'm sure you wouldn't like to see me down, right? So Don't you ever think it's easy on me!

How do I get to choose? When the reason why I have to pass you by and choose not to choose you, is the same reason why I have to stick to you, insist on you, never let you go easily, and choose you with every will I have. I don't get to choose! There's no choice in here, there's only fate waited to be assigned to take over and choose for me. Finally, I choose to not have the choice. And that's the best option I have. The best I can do.

You break hearts, and you fix them. You make hearts beat fast in happiness and in grief. Hearts can easily fall on your hands. Like butterflies, you gather them in jars. And you don't even know it. Or maybe you do. But it's beautiful, too beautiful to be true. Because it's never your fault, it's the hearts' fault for falling inside your jar. The funny part is that you keep the jar open for hearts to break free, but they don't, they love staying inside, because, honestly, it's warm and beautiful. And it's beautiful because you really take good care of the hearts which fall inside your jars. But sometimes you skip and miss a heart or two, maybe you haven't noticed them falling or you just thought they flew away, this is the only time you break a heart. It's wonderful how hearts come looking for you though you haven't called for any at all. It's wonderful how hearts seek your help, though you don't look like a one who mends broken h...

There's a beauty in things that are not seen.                      Trying to hide a smile inside yourself is beautiful.  Figuring out a secret , all by yourself, is beautiful .      Having something to say to someone else, but you prefer keeping it inside, is beautiful. Getting the chance to know what has been hidden inside someone else's heart is beautiful.                 Listening to a song and dreaming of it being dedicated to you is beautiful.  Having a dream is beautiful .                                           Chasing your dream is beautiful .  Knowing someone else's wish is beautiful.          Feeling the happiness of someone else is beautiful.  Sharing sadness with someone el...