Daydreams...

And what hurts me the most is that I'll have to start all over again from the beginning. Like all the past years never existed. Maybe losing my memory would help. At least I wouldn't be knowing that I have previously tried and failed. All I need is to find Hope again. To live and anticipate for something, something specific and beautiful, that will happen soon. فصبر جميل ... الحمد لله رب العالمين

I miss writing to an extent you can't imagine. I miss swaying with the words and meanings to come out with a total different sentence than the one I planned to write. I miss daydreaming and imagining things that aren't true just because it feels magical. I miss the friend in you. --------------------------------------- Things have been crazy, really crazy, since I last wrote. I got overwhelmed in life and work and love. I was super busy and super happy. And still, the busyness of life isn't leaving me alone. Now I feel tired, exhausted, yet willing to stay up and never let it go that easily, this time. I'm trying to fight, for a change. I'm not complaining, I'm affirming that I'm strong. --------------------------------------- Sometimes it's a leap of faith that you must take to pursue some kind of happiness. It's an opportunity you see and you wish not to let go easily. A dream that you look upon and keep wishing it turns into a reality. You know h...

Don't you ever think it's easy on me to see you leaving like this. Don't your ever think that I don't care, that I'm not hurt. Don't you ever doubt that I haven't loved you enough. But don't you ever think that you're irreplaceable. Because you are, replaceable. Everyone is. Don't you think I'd wait. Didn't you know that I'd hate to wait?  Didn't you know that I would not have been able to fight? This is not for you, this is for me. Because I know this would be harsh on you. But this is what holds me up, and I'm sure you wouldn't like to see me down, right? So Don't you ever think it's easy on me!

Sometimes you've got to step back, let go, postpone, put things on hold, for a while, just a little while, or as much while as it takes, and then you come back, get into it once more, try again, try harder and try differently, maybe this time it'll work, maybe you see it from a different angle and find it easier, maybe it'll get solved all by itself, maybe you'll get stronger and fight it harder. Just maybe. And sometimes it works. I'm letting you go, just to let you come back stronger and better than ever before. I'm letting you go, because I believe that if we truly deserve each other, we'll win one another easily, with no hardships, but with the blessings of Allah. So I'm waiting for the right moment, the right moment which when it comes, everything will just be different, everything will .... just be different!

I came to realize that you are not the person who I thought you were. I remember the day I announced you as a dear and best friend. And I remember you saying how glad you are. But then, you never treated me that way. Maybe once or twice, just because it was easy at that time to do so, just because you too needed a friend. But no, you never were a friend to me, and I don't believe you'd ever be. I'm not disappointed or anything. I just keep saying this out loud to myself to accept the fact that not everything I would wish for, I would get. 

They say I should write the book I wish to read. Here's the thing, all the books that I wish to read have already been written before. So, it's easier for me to read them than to write them. Plus what would I be adding if I wrote a book which has been written many times before? I'm lost, I feel like I'm running out of time, and I don't want to run just because I'm running out of time, and I don't know how much time left do I have.And I know I can't get any help. All I can do is to whine about how lost I am and just that. But I know something that I should do. I should keep on trying, everyday. Even if I just try to try harder everyday, one day I'll be able to do it. I know that and I believe in myself, and I'm optimistic. Still, today I'm cranky!!

I'm really sorry, really sorry. Because I've been better. I am better.I know that. Just, I can't! I can't be better now. I'm lost, too lost. Like I'm left in the middle of the sea, all alone, with no wind to sail the boat! And I'm wondering! Who am I? What I do? And what made me get on this boat?! If only I can go back in time! Well, I don't know exactly what would I have done?! But I'm sure I would have tried harder. I would have tried harder to save myself from getting on that boat while there's no wind to sail it. Or maybe I would have fought harder to get some air to help me cross this huge, appearing calm, ocean. I would have been different. I wish I were different, just a little bit! --Today, all I had in mind is: Have I just lost all of my five past years? Because somehow, right now, I'm not proud of who I was during them?  Will anything change soon?!

Well, yes! There's something, something occupying my mind. I mean it's trying to, trying to jam into my mind so that I think about it and... and I know that the consequences are not on my side! That's why I don't want to talk, I don't want to think. Because I don't want to ruin it. Because it's so sweet to be true. It's like a dream coming bit by bit true. But here's why I don't want to think it over. Because it's like happening in a wrong time. Because, I've let go that dream months ago and I've moved on and had other dreams. Why is it coming to chase me again?! Because every dream we dream, if it doesn't come true when it's supposed to, it loses its identity. I guess! So...I'll just live it as it is. I won't think about it or even mention it. Like I forget it happened. And I'll try to enjoy it as much as I can, so that when it all goes away, I don't get hurt and I don't get to miss it too. Because ...

ساعات بسأل نفسي مين الناس دي؟ و إزاي بقوا كده؟ و لا أنا بقيت كده إزاي؟ مين الي اتغير؟ و مين الي بعد؟ و ليه بعدنا؟ و بقى ايه مصيرنا؟ و يا عالم لسه الي جاي ايه؟ يا ترى كانت حياتنا هتبقى  عاملة ازاي لو كنا فضلنا؟ كانت حياة مين هتغلب؟  و لا كانت هتبقى حاجة تانية؟ كل واحد فينا مشي في اتجاه عكس التاني اتجاهات لا يمكن تتقابل في يوم و مشينا و اتفرقنا بس بنرجع نتلاقى  في ذكرة قديمة مشوشة بالعافية قادرين نفتكر ها و بنفضل عايشين في صورة,  ليك أو ليا,  برده قديمة,  مش فاكرين شايلنها فين و فجاءة بنتقابل من بعيد لبعيد مش بنتكلم  بس بنسمع بعض  و بنشوف بعض  و بنعرف أخبار بعض " ايه ده, دي اشتغلت؟!  و ايه ده, ده خطب! ما شاء الله " و بنفتكر قد ايه كنا قريبين  و قد ايه كنا بنحب بعض و نرجع نسأل نفسنا ليه بعدنا و ليه اختلفنا و يا ترى كان ايه هيبقى مختلف لو كنا فضلنا محدش بيجاوب, محدش عنده إجابة و يومين و كل واحد...

I've had a dream, no it's a nightmare. Because in that dream I dreamed last night, all of my life's dreams crashed down. I've lost you! Dramatically. I didn't want to talk about it because talking about it makes it stay longer inside my head. I've been avoiding it but I fail and it never leaves me alone, every now and then the picture of you leaving and me crying, according to that awkward nightmare, pops up on my mind! And I had a hard time convincing myself in the morning when I woke up that you are still here, still beside me. Yes I get scared, so many times and every time actually. Every time I think I've lost someone. I get scared of what the future might bring for us. I'm scared of the idea that I might be left alone one day with no one beside me when I need people the most! I fear having no one to share my laughs and my tears whenever I laugh or shed a tear. Yes I'm too afraid. I'm too afraid to reap what I've sown, though I haven...

Here it comes, my let out, the air my mind breathes, my best friend, my guide and mentor, my love, my work, my life and my everything. It's this white page. This white page calls me every night and it asks me: "How was your day?!" "Is there something bothering you?" "You look happy today, oh tell me I can't wait to be happy for you." "Have you learnt anything today?!" "Have you got a story to share?" ... Some nights I answer it, because I'm so desperate to talk. Other nights I ignore its call just because I don't have a suitable answer. And sometimes the answer is so, so long that it'll take days to tell, not just a night. But it still calls me every single night, and it has never given up on me, it's a true and real friend. Sometimes it has things to tell me too -yes it's a two sided relation- things it wants me to learn, and enjoy listening and talking about. It's incredible and amazing. Tonight is o...

Tears are all that I can think of right now. And I didn't want to say it, because it's not the truth. The truth is that I was too happy, or maybe just holding up. I was inspired and charged enough to live a life of success. And you've been on my mind all the time; I've never forgotten you. I live for you and I'm holding up just for you. But then, I left there, and it was too hard saying goodbye. And when I came here again, I found myself lost in a beautiful dream. But, I promise you, that I'll fight and I will come and put the plan into action!