#142: A lesson in the middle of a learning process

"Because most of us all walk around as if we're sleepwalking. We really don't experience the world fully, because we're half-asleep, doing things we automatically think we have to do."

~ Morrie

(From: Tuesdays with Morrie, by Mitch Albom) 

And this is how I live. I walk with my eyes closed. I can't see clearly. All places and all faces are the same to me. No memory stays for long inside my head. The world around me turned into just some fickle visions passing by my eyes so quickly and so vaguely. Maybe it's a lack of sleep, or an excess of consciousness. Maybe it's a lack of ambition, and maybe it's just a transient state of aimlessness. A lot of maybe's and could be's are racing in my head. Nothing is certain, nothing is true. And the world suddenly became gloomy, uninteresting, and meaningless. 

Well, it really truly is! Everything this life has to offer me is worthless. That's a truth I'm happy to be aware of. But I can't live this way. The way where I need nothing out of this world, but I'm still living it. Like I'm not hungry but food is all around me and  I'm supposed not to eat! It leaves me unable to live, unable to dream or to give, unable to inspire or get inspired. So I became useless, same like this life, worthless, meaningless, and empty. I became gloomy from the inside like how my world seems to me. True, they say "It's how you see the world."

Still I understand, that I'm not ready yet to live this way. I'm not yet ready to live with the fact that life is truly worthless, yet I should raise above all of the unworthy. I'm not yet fully equipped and trained for such a life. Because, though I'm not hungry and though I know I should not eat, but I still yearn to all these kinds of food surrounding me. So I should never judge this kind of life or this fact, not until I get ready. But I'm happy.

I'm happy I found a trace to follow, out of all this meaningless life I've been living. I've dedicated my whole life to learning how to raise above this world, including all the people around me, including the daily life tasks I do, and all the activities I think are worthless. Yet I, myself, don't become worthless and useless. Yet I enjoy what life has to offer me, because as a matter of fact it's my right to live my life the way it's written for me. It's my right to dream and change the world. It's my right to be the one whose life was worth living, the one I dream to become.

I'm in a middle of a learning process, a lifetime process, and this is my last lesson I've been taught, by myself.