#158: I close my eyes and I sleep

I have to stop this haze I'm putting myself in and start organizing my life. I really have to stop! I hate the way I am!

I ... I don't know what to say.
I hate my life? I've already said that before.
I hate you? Well that has to stop right now for you did nothing to be hated.

I'm devastated and frustrated. I look at the reflection of me in the mirror and I hate what I see. I really do. A pale face with no emotions, maybe only a sad one. And I feel no one is ever around to think of me and of what I'm feeling inside. But then again, I wonder, why on earth do I need someone to think of me or care at all?!?!

I have just been reading something about emotional dependency. I believe I'm one of those who totally put their emotional welfare into the hands of other people. It doesn't matter if those people are special or not, but they have to be really close and really into me to ever effect my emotions' health.

And sometimes there is just no one around. Just no one and I really mean the word. My phone doesn't ring all day long. And if it ever does, it's because someone needs a favor or because someone has just seen my message and they are just answering back.

Everyone is so busy living their own life. And what the hell am I waiting for? Seriously what? Am I waiting for a savior? A some kind of prince riding a white horse and crashing into my house to take me behind his back and into his world; which by the way might not be as great as I think, it might be even worse than my own life I'm living now. And why would I want to leave here and go away anyway?? Is my life that bad? For I'm actually not living it. So how can I tell if it's a bad one or a good one? I'm still devastated, still frustrated.

And I see you shouting "What are you doing? Get off this bed. Go do anything. Get out of that home. Challenge yourself with something new. Start working and eventually you'll know what to do. Don't close your eyes, don't look away. Stay strong for everyone is struggling. Just don't sleep and stay awake. Don't give up!"

Yet I don't listen. I look away. I close my eyes. And I sleep.