Daydreams...

Some people just amaze me! They know nothing about me, they have no idea what is going on my mind and heart, they can't even figure out where I am, or what is happening in my life right now, or how things have changed since the last time they checked on me, yet they give themselves the right to judge me. And they don't listen to me when I try to speak to defend myself, or even to confirm their claims. They are just amazing!

Here's what happens to the heart when it gets shot. It's like glass, you know. When a sheet of glass gets shot by a bullet, it shatters and gets divided into millions of small pieces. Yet the pieces stay intact, they stay in place for moments letting the glass figure out whether it'll fall down and break or there might be a hope it get fixed. And then suddenly it falls down broken into very little pieces, and what was once a figure now becomes nothing. That's what happens to the heart when it gets shot by a bullet of betrayal, disappointment, and regret.

Dreams hurt. When you dream of things that are beyond reality. Dreams are then hurtful. Don’t tell me nothing is impossible and you can make all dreams come true. Because, well, yes nothing is impossible and all dreams can come true, but some dreams are just unrealistic to an extent that the idea of them coming true would be a dramatic shocking truth. So, no they won’t easily come true, not even hardly. They just won’t, however how happy they are. And then they leave you helpless, breathless, unable to think or move. And you keep wondering: “Why now? and What does it mean?” Because at the moment you thought you were over it, you stopped thinking about it, and that it wouldn't be a problem to you anymore, you find yourself dreaming of it, thinking of it deep inside the back of your head. The funny part is that you were so happy in your dream. The kind of happiness you think you truly deserve. Everyone was happy too. It was like something even beyond your wildest drea...

I have to stop this haze I'm putting myself in and start organizing my life. I really have to stop! I hate the way I am! I ... I don't know what to say. I hate my life? I've already said that before. I hate you? Well that has to stop right now for you did nothing to be hated. I'm devastated and frustrated. I look at the reflection of me in the mirror and I hate what I see. I really do. A pale face with no emotions, maybe only a sad one. And I feel no one is ever around to think of me and of what I'm feeling inside. But then again, I wonder, why on earth do I need someone to think of me or care at all?!?! I have just been reading something about emotional dependency. I believe I'm one of those who totally put their emotional welfare into the hands of other people. It doesn't matter if those people are special or not, but they have to be really close and really into me to ever effect my emotions' health. And sometimes there is just no one around. Just n...

It's an attitude. And moreover, it's a choice. You know that saying that when you're a kid, you're dying to graduate from school, and you can't wait when you'll be at college where there is the life you're expecting and dreaming of. Then when you're at college, you're dying to graduate and go beyond life and into your dreams and all the real practical life experiences. Then you graduate and get a job, that you find, after awhile, that it isn't as anything you had ever dreamed of. So you're dying for another opportunity to find the life of your dreams. And another, then another ... You never settle down. Then you feel that you don't want to end up alone, that the time has come to find a stable relationship that opens the doors of happiness for you. You're dying to get married, until you do. Then you're dying to build a home and a family, a family of your own. You buy a bigger house, you find a better job, you hold the responsibili...

You should have asked first. You really did. It isn't something that you own alone. We all did. Not just because it was first suggested by you, you'll consider yourself the only one responsible for it! We should have talked about it. Maybe we could have found another different solution than the one you came up with and forced on all of us. Maybe I would have suggested that we break it all up. Maybe you would have spoken to me about how important we should keep going and never give up. You should have cared, about how I would feel, about how we'd all feel. We should have studied it together, analyzed it from each other's views, and came up with a decision that satisfies all of us. Now see where you've put me. I'm there, yet I'm absent. I'm not interested anymore, and I'm losing my passion. And, to me, it no longer feels mine. It's all yours, and according to your decision, do whichever you'd like about it. You're forcing me to go. Yet...

It's just .. still .. meaningless! Whatever I would say would be meaningless. And this is a true awful feeling. To never have a meaning out of anything you say! I've been waiting for too long not to write what I'm writing now. But I couldn't wait longer. This is not what I want to say, and this is not how I think I want to look like. This is not me, and this is not who I dreamed to be. Though yes, from some certain few angles, it does look like me, but overall I think I'm not the one I think I am. See, there's a huge difference between who I actually am, who I wish to be, and who I work hard to become. Three different persons, and they are all me! I've talked a lot about me, which I hate! Which is meaningless! This isn't right.

My heart doesn't speak to me. My heart is sad, because of me. No it's not broken, my heart is stronger than this, my heart has faith I never knew it had before. It's just a little sad. And it refuses to speak to me. It can no longer trust me. I've hurt it too many times before. I've made it look bad and weak. I've put it in many hard situations, things it couldn't hold or stand. And though everything, it's still standing strong, claiming itself as my heart, my heart of which I'm proud of. I'm sorry dear heart, please forgive me, same as you always do. And I promise I'll do all that it takes to make it up for you. My dear heart, my heart I'm proud of.

I came to realize that you are not the person who I thought you were. I remember the day I announced you as a dear and best friend. And I remember you saying how glad you are. But then, you never treated me that way. Maybe once or twice, just because it was easy at that time to do so, just because you too needed a friend. But no, you never were a friend to me, and I don't believe you'd ever be. I'm not disappointed or anything. I just keep saying this out loud to myself to accept the fact that not everything I would wish for, I would get. 

I'm really sorry, really sorry. Because I've been better. I am better.I know that. Just, I can't! I can't be better now. I'm lost, too lost. Like I'm left in the middle of the sea, all alone, with no wind to sail the boat! And I'm wondering! Who am I? What I do? And what made me get on this boat?! If only I can go back in time! Well, I don't know exactly what would I have done?! But I'm sure I would have tried harder. I would have tried harder to save myself from getting on that boat while there's no wind to sail it. Or maybe I would have fought harder to get some air to help me cross this huge, appearing calm, ocean. I would have been different. I wish I were different, just a little bit! --Today, all I had in mind is: Have I just lost all of my five past years? Because somehow, right now, I'm not proud of who I was during them?  Will anything change soon?!

It so hard like a rock that if it falls on you, you'll die! When you know that you've been replaced. Or that's how you think. When you reserve for someone a large portion of your heart, but then you're faced with the fact that that someone never came to fit in that place in your heart. However, the past sentences don't represent how I feel right now. Because I'm so happy, I'm deeply drown into happiness. Because memories have been recalled today for me. Because, today, words from the heart were spread everywhere. Because I love and I'm loved back. Because I have faith, and I have hopes. And I can smile and can make others smile too. Well, I won't be fair to describe it more. Because it should be felt and not told. However again, somethings are still repeating themselves up, some hurtful, heart-breaking stuff! But here I am, strong and bright and happy and willing to fight. I was about to go, but I have this on my mind: Maybe you don't know...

With a mix of pride, contentment, tiredness, enjoyment, laughter, walking, easiness, and lots of happiness around me, I had a happy day today. Sadly it ended with a big disappointment, and a shock. When I found myself like a fool who can't understand a thing as I have I no idea what they were talking about! Though I thought I'd be the first to know before anyone else could know anything at all. I was hurt, deeply, because I could have never imagined that coming from you, you: the one who I thought together we were inseparable. Now it's like we are strangers! ... I'm shocked! I wonder whose fault is that? Mine? Because I disappeared for a while, because i walked out of the picture for just some little minutes? Why haven't you called me to get back into the picture quickly?! I'm desperately in need of an answer to the question: "What happened to us? What brought us to here?" posted from Bloggeroid