Daydreams...

I'm running away. I don't feel as liberated as I might seem. I haven't yet gotten out of my prison. Not even close. And I'm running away from facing my fears. I don't want to think much, and I'm happy that I'm busy working all the time. I can't even recognize if I am really enjoying work, or am I just finding excuses to escape the heart ache that I might be experiencing. I'm afraid I'm faking strength and control. I am actually weaker and more vulnerable than ever before. I am just saying, that I am still not honest with myself. I still need to heal, and I'm still not on the right path of healing. I'm deeply frustrated, and I'm re-giving back this pretended control.

Some people just amaze me! They know nothing about me, they have no idea what is going on my mind and heart, they can't even figure out where I am, or what is happening in my life right now, or how things have changed since the last time they checked on me, yet they give themselves the right to judge me. And they don't listen to me when I try to speak to defend myself, or even to confirm their claims. They are just amazing!

Sometimes I feel like I need to breakdown and become weak. I believe I'm too strong that I'm starting to doubt the truthfulness of my feelings! And though I know that this is not true, that I do feel the pain, I'm just not so good enough at showing it. Or maybe I express it in ways other than the common breakdowns. I'm unique you know. And I don't understand why do I see my positive points as negatives, all the time. I mean it's good that I'm strong, yet I don't want this!! I want to be normal?! And who defines normality?? Rather than thinking that I'm not true enough, why don't I think that I'm doing it right, that I'm wiser than most of people. Why do I lower my self esteem, instead of boosting it? I'm perfect the way I am. And I won't even start mentioning what I do wrong in my life. At least for a while. Until I get to believe in myself again.

I've only listened because I respect you, I respect your anger and care about me. And I couldn't tell you that all you're saying is exactly what I'm thinking. I can't make you trust me again. I can't make you understand that I am strong enough to appreciate all the good you did to me. I can't convince you that I'm right and not by any means wrong. That I stood up for my right and your rights too. I can't tell you that I'm a good daughter. It's something that must be proven, not said. But what you did didn't help me much. It only increased my pain. Not because what you were saying was wrong. But because the words were tough. Very tough indeed. You've put my self esteem down. You've made me feel like a worthless messy ignorant person. Maybe you think this supports me; but it doesn't. This isn't what I need right now. And how could I even know what I actually need. I'm broken, lost and my thoughts are messed up. ...

I have to stop this haze I'm putting myself in and start organizing my life. I really have to stop! I hate the way I am! I ... I don't know what to say. I hate my life? I've already said that before. I hate you? Well that has to stop right now for you did nothing to be hated. I'm devastated and frustrated. I look at the reflection of me in the mirror and I hate what I see. I really do. A pale face with no emotions, maybe only a sad one. And I feel no one is ever around to think of me and of what I'm feeling inside. But then again, I wonder, why on earth do I need someone to think of me or care at all?!?! I have just been reading something about emotional dependency. I believe I'm one of those who totally put their emotional welfare into the hands of other people. It doesn't matter if those people are special or not, but they have to be really close and really into me to ever effect my emotions' health. And sometimes there is just no one around. Just n...