Daydreams...

We may get confused about how we love ourselves because we think that loving one self is admiring it, but it isn’t! Love is all about respect, not admiration. You love yourself, you respect it. And respect makes you do wonders!

One day you would wake up and every thing would be different; you’d be different. You’d look to your eyes in the mirror and say... “I’m gonna wake up! I’m gonna live a whole new different life starting today!” You’d take a shower, dress up, have your breakfast... and then. Then what?! Would you keep your promise, or would you just go back to bed? Well, it doesn’t matter, as long as you wake up every morning and tell yourself the same things over again.

Yesterday, I watched the movie “Julie and Julia” and it all hit me back. I always fancied—and still do—blogging and writing projects and challenges that include committing to writing every day for a year or a month or a 100 days or whatever. I even started off my blog (Daydreams) as a project to write everyday a short scene from my day or my life. I started the blog in May 2011; that’s almost 9 years ago! Have I completed my project? Well, I might have written over 300 blog posts over the past nine years, but I haven’t completed the goal of that project, which is committing to write Every Day! Have I failed?! Nah, that’s not what I’m thinking, for I believe the fact that I haven’t skipped a year where I haven’t shared something on my blog is a success in itself. I have managed to keep this alive and active throughout the years, and 9 years is a lot. Yet, I still have that yearning to complete a writing project. How about publishing a book?! I hope I would one day. And I have bee...

Hey you! Yes, you exactly! Don’t run away now, I am trying to talk to you! I don’t know what should I call you, I never believed you would stay for this long. I didn’t ever want you to. I kept thinking that you are just a temporary visitor who visits me every now and then for a short period of time, and then leave. But your stay is getting longer and longer, aren’t you walking away, like ever?! So, I thought maybe I need to come to peace with your presence, give you a name or something, and befriend you. Would that work?! You give me shivers, you are such a pain in the neck! You cripple me, paralyze me, stop me from living as I want to! You do nothing but hurt me! And I keep thinking that you’ll go away some time near, and then everything will be much better, yet that never happens. You keep telling me things like that I’m not good enough to be who I really want to be, that I’m actually not who I think I am, that I’m delusional, that I don’t deserve the dreams I dream for myself...

What does it mean to wake up from the dream that I am having a mental breakdown?! Why would I dream this? What’s going on my subconscious mind that is  so hard to even be revealed in a dream, and is only manifested through having a metal breakdown?! Do you get me? Is it even worth the share?! What’s happening to me?!! I need to feel safe, I need to feel that I am backed up, that I am really here, that I am really cared for. I need a hug! That physical touch that assures us that we are real. But, why is it even important to feel real? I mean, what would happen if we discovered that we are just some fictional characters in a movie or in someone else’s mind? I know I’d be boring, too boring to keep me alive actually, yet maybe I’m there for a reason, or maybe for no reasons at all. Why would I even care? I am just a fictional character.  Yet again, this is really interesting to discuss. We are too afraid to find out that we are not real, that this all isn’t just happening in our ...

I feel sad .. so sad .. I have nothing else to say .. I just needed to write this somewhere. And here’s my safe place. I am sad.

I’m filled with so much anger; it’s suffocating. It doesn’t show on my face. You can meet me and see how much I laugh and look carefree, but that is not how I feel inside! Like, just some moments ago, I answered someone’s message telling them how happy they make me, and just after I had sent my message, I caught my eyes filling up with tears. I wish I can cry, cry very loud that I get to clear and clean everything inside of me. Every day I wake up and the first thought that comes to my mind is a negative one. A thought that is so negative that it could literally haunt me all day long. It makes me think that I shouldn’t wake up, that I should go back to sleep, that there is nothing in this life is worth waking up for! And I don’t get it at all, why would such a thought come to me the first thing I wake up. Then I get some courage to get up and move along with my day. I go to work and I get to forget a little about how miserable I feel inside, then I find it hard to cope with wh...