#314: An Attempt for Making Peace

Hey you!

Yes, you exactly! Don’t run away now, I am trying to talk to you!

I don’t know what should I call you, I never believed you would stay for this long. I didn’t ever want you to. I kept thinking that you are just a temporary visitor who visits me every now and then for a short period of time, and then leave. But your stay is getting longer and longer, aren’t you walking away, like ever?!

So, I thought maybe I need to come to peace with your presence, give you a name or something, and befriend you. Would that work?!

You give me shivers, you are such a pain in the neck! You cripple me, paralyze me, stop me from living as I want to! You do nothing but hurt me! And I keep thinking that you’ll go away some time near, and then everything will be much better, yet that never happens.

You keep telling me things like that I’m not good enough to be who I really want to be, that I’m actually not who I think I am, that I’m delusional, that I don’t deserve the dreams I dream for myself, because I’ll never achieve them. And I listen to you, not agreeing, yet you have your way to get to me!

You tell me that I am not loved enough. That I did mistakes that are unforgettable. That I am the reason why certain people moved away, that what I did is why we are not friends anymore! Ugh, I do miss some friends! 

You make me dwell on things that are long-gone. You make me wonder what could have happened if life had taken a different turn back then. And it’s all just wonder, a fake scenario that you tell me; it isn’t real!

How can I make friends with you? Friends don’t do that to each other, they don’t put each other down, they lift up! Who are you exactly? 

Some say that your presence is important, that you somehow protect me, like you warn me when things might go wrong, so I could then take care and do what it takes to avoid what might happen wrong. Yet, life has taught me that no matter what you do, some hurts are inevitable! So, tell me again, why are you here?!

You are my darkness; the darker side of me. You’re the demon living inside me, my dreams vampire. You suck my hopes out of me. Is it all because I listen to you too much?! I can’t help it, you know, you live inside me, you’re the closest one to me, like literally! I can’t run away, and I just can’t handle you. I’m actually too drained to handle you in anyway. And this is all on you! You make me busy all the time, even when I am actually happy, you make me feel like I am working on a task: to act and feel happiness.

Shall I call you fear, self-doubt, low self-esteem, lack of self-worthiness, shame, guilt?! They are all clumsy words that scare me, I know I should call you something else if we’re going to become friends. What do you want to be called?!

I’m sorry, I thought we could become friends when this comes to an end, but I can’t yet. I’m way too angry now to work on any friendships!

Thanks for listening, though! Go back to work now!