#312: I wake up with a negative thought in mind

I’m filled with so much anger; it’s suffocating. It doesn’t show on my face. You can meet me and see how much I laugh and look carefree, but that is not how I feel inside! Like, just some moments ago, I answered someone’s message telling them how happy they make me, and just after I had sent my message, I caught my eyes filling up with tears. I wish I can cry, cry very loud that I get to clear and clean everything inside of me.

Every day I wake up and the first thought that comes to my mind is a negative one. A thought that is so negative that it could literally haunt me all day long. It makes me think that I shouldn’t wake up, that I should go back to sleep, that there is nothing in this life is worth waking up for! And I don’t get it at all, why would such a thought come to me the first thing I wake up.

Then I get some courage to get up and move along with my day. I go to work and I get to forget a little about how miserable I feel inside, then I find it hard to cope with what I’m doing. Is this what I really wanted and needed? I guess not, but here I am. I think to myself that I need to settle into a routine. I, who hate routines, want to be certain about something in the middle of all this uncertainty I’m living under. But I fail to implement it, everyday! Because I wake up with a negative thought in mind.