#229: When It Comes to Honesty

Hello,

It has a been a while. I don't think you wondered where I am. Anyhow, I'm here, and I am not leaving yet.

I am not good. Just not good at all. And it is new to me to confess when I am not good. I used to fake being capable and strong, but no more faking. You will have to deal with the true me, with its ugliness and beauty; that's if there are any beauties.

I am not at rest, as if nothing is making me feel at home. Like, wherever I go or whatever I do, it feels like I am hiding from something. I can't figure what it is; I can't see it too. What is it that I truly want? Actually, I know the answer. But the answer is not here in this life. So, basically, I can never find what my heart secretly wishes for. At least, I'll keep finding and losing it every now and then.

I am at my weakest point. I hope I never reach any weaker states, because it's devastating. This is what I thought would happen when I surrender to reality, when I stop lying to myself. I stop trying to become better. I have accepted that I can never become the perfection I am imagining, so I stopped even trying to be perfect. As liberating this is, as painful it is to accept.

I just haven't yet reached stability, nor I ever will, I guess. Let's enjoy the randomness of emotions that life throws at us everyday.

By the way, it's true that when it comes to shitty life problems, even your mother would not agree to carry them for you.

Enjoy while you can.

See you soon, I hope.