Daydreams...

I miss you. That's the naked truth! But... There is so much hidden behind these words. There are too many blocks over them. They just can't come to the surface that easily. They can't be. Not after all this progress in diminishing them.  I don't want to miss you. I don't want to be missing anymore!

I'm hiding behind my job. I'm hiding behind my anxieties. I'm hiding behind my loneliness. I'm hiding behind my grief. I am just hiding. I'm too scared to face the world as it is, with all its beauty and ugliness. I'm too afraid I won't be happy, so I leave myself stuck in unhappiness. And I just don't understand why am I hiding?! Have I been brutally hit on my head? What am I hiding from? Life? Why do I fear it that much? Why do I feel empty whenever I get nothing to do, when I get to be left alone? Why do I always fail my dreams? Why do I let people come first before me? Where is me? What is me? Will I stay in this dilemma forever? Will I ever start taking care of myself and what I need? Will I ever take that first step? Will I persist? Will I ever live the life I keep dreaming? Will I ever stop dreaming, and actually start doing? I feel alone. I don't want to be alone, although I might be the o...

Read vertically, if you can.

There has been times when I loved you, and others when I hated you. So, seriously, I can't tell which is true. I also can't tell if your presence in my life is a positive or a negative thing. Because in a way, no one can support me like you do, and in another way, no one can hurt me like you do.  I do know that your presence in my life can never be permanent, but tell me, what is in life that is permanent?! Can I be just deceiving myself? But, then again, why can't it be as simple as it is. You are here today, so I'll enjoy that, and when you won't be here tomorrow, I'll live with it. Although I might live in pain, I'll just keep hoping that it will be worthy. I believe I have lost my mind, and my heart. I believe I have lost myself. But, I am never desperate of finding myself again. I'm such a blind person!

Writing helps, right? Fear just can't get out of me. I don't understand how have I become a fearful person. My bravery levels are getting low. Is that a normal age progress or something? Today, I have decided to sit in a cafe alone and have fun working for a while. That is a typical kind of actions that grownups do every now and then. But I was too afraid to go and sit there all by myself! As I was entering the cafe, I was really shaken and too stressed. It took me a while until I managed to gather myself, get cool about it, and enjoy the moments. Today, as well, a nice friend brought me a beautiful present. The kind of gifts that are so right for you. The gift you have been waiting for so long. And she did it. I do not think I have thanked her enough! I wanted to tell her how much the gesture meant to me, and how beautiful is she for thinking of me in such a truly considerate way. I wanted to tell her that I am blessed to have her as a friend, and that I would nev...

 A friend of mine asked me to write. She thinks I would come up with something inspiring, given my current mood, which I can't really explain now what it is like. So let's see. First, I owe you an apology. I have been unfair to you lately, because I have let you only see my dark side for so long. Maybe because it is my truer side?  Anyway, life is so unpredictable, right? You don't always get what you want, when you want, or how you want it. It comes in other forms. It takes you by surprise, and it is up to you if you are ready or not; ready to make the best out of the given opportunity. Like lemonades out of lemons, it's not necessary that you get lemons, you might get apples, then you should know how to make an apple pie, with cinnamon maybe! :) See, you never know what would happen. You plan, you assume, and you predict, and then a totally different plan happens. God's plan for you. Whether you like it or not, you have to accept that it is the best p...

What can I say! I'd rather live inside my fantasias, than in my real world. I would like to stay asleep for the rest of my life, maybe. Life is just getting more boring to live than ever. I need help! I know I do. I know there is something wrong with me, and I know how to get it right! Still I do not take any actions. I reached a point where I can't help myself anymore. I need an external force to save me, maybe. I must overcome my ego and shout for help. It is just that I still don't believe that my case is bad, but it is getting worse everyday! I should ask for help! So, here I am sending a message to the void, hoping someone has enough courage to break my walls of ego, and offer me the help I need, without thinking of anything in return. I'm still dreaming. Right?!!