#319: I have so much to share, so much to tell …

 Hey you,

How are you doing?

I know I keep making this about me. But you know how much I wish you make it about you too.

I have a lot to say. There’s so much inside me that I want to let out, I thought maybe I can tell you, but I can’t still. 

I have so much to share, so much to tell. All of which I feel is being wasted, because you are not here to receive, you are not here to listen. 

I can’t open up because it feels heavy and it weighs me down. I wanted you to make it easy for me, but you don’t. It’s like you are not ready for the stories I have, maybe you are not interested enough in who I am, and not only in what I can offer. You don’t see me. You can’t read me. And all I want is to be read. 

Today, I had a moment where I badly needed to be read.

I’ve just remembered a look you’ve given me, only once. I loved it. Though you thought that look made me uncomfortable, all the opposite, it was uncomfortably lovely. I wanted it to last longer. But. You didn’t insist. Your intention was to read me, and I wasn’t ready yet to open my book for you. But only if you stayed looking for a little longer, I would have opened. I want someone who wants me a little stronger than how much you showed me at that moment. I thought by time you’d come around. But, I can’t help not believing in what I already know. Somethings only happen at once, if they don’t, you can’t expect them to happen later in time. Like, you’ve missed the chance. You lost this round. Restart and maybe you’d win!

I am a flawed human being, just like we all are. I have messed up beliefs, and my system is infected. I’m not perfect, but I only want you to see my flaws as perfect.

It’s sad that, well, others can see how beautiful I am. Others that still can’t embrace all that I am. They are only impressed.

I’m sad. Almost all the time now. And it’s even more sad you think that I shouldn’t be that sad.

Again, I have nothing but to surrender. Here I am surrendering.

Until we can open up again.