#317: I Miss This: Feeling Safe

I miss here so much! Here, I write without being judged for anything that I would say. And I have become my own biggest judge! I miss expressing all those emotions I have locked inside having no place to go to and rest while feeling safe.

Feeling safe, I learned it’s the most important thing I care for now. Like resting in the arms of someone you are sure they truly love you, or allowing so much love and care be transferred to you through a gentle touch that may even last a second or less. Like expressing your love intensely without the fear of being misunderstood, or the fear of getting hurt or rejected. Knowing that you’re loved no matter what, that you’re cared for no matter what, that you’re understood, and appreciated, even when you don’t make so much sense. Feeling safe is more than just love. Feeling safe is letting your guards down because you are at home, no harm can get to you, because you know you are protected without even realizing it. 

I have so much to give and so much that I’m ready to receive. But all I get is shutting everything down, because there’s no space to hold that all. 

I hope I break out from my own prison; I’m the prisoner and I’m the captor. I hope I find what (or who) holds my hands, takes the keys from my pocket, give it to me, and stay beside me as I unlock myself, then holds me tightly and never lets go until I’m ready to walk on my own. That, I know sounds unrealistic and illogical. Maybe you’d (I would) judge it and say it’s unhealthy. Go ahead, I can take it. I don’t want to shut myself down.

I’m here, again. I feel safe here.