Daydreams...

What does it mean to wake up from the dream that I am having a mental breakdown?! Why would I dream this? What’s going on my subconscious mind that is  so hard to even be revealed in a dream, and is only manifested through having a metal breakdown?! Do you get me? Is it even worth the share?! What’s happening to me?!! I need to feel safe, I need to feel that I am backed up, that I am really here, that I am really cared for. I need a hug! That physical touch that assures us that we are real. But, why is it even important to feel real? I mean, what would happen if we discovered that we are just some fictional characters in a movie or in someone else’s mind? I know I’d be boring, too boring to keep me alive actually, yet maybe I’m there for a reason, or maybe for no reasons at all. Why would I even care? I am just a fictional character.  Yet again, this is really interesting to discuss. We are too afraid to find out that we are not real, that this all isn’t just happening in our minds, ev

I feel sad .. so sad .. I have nothing else to say .. I just needed to write this somewhere. And here’s my safe place. I am sad.

I’m filled with so much anger; it’s suffocating. It doesn’t show on my face. You can meet me and see how much I laugh and look carefree, but that is not how I feel inside! Like, just some moments ago, I answered someone’s message telling them how happy they make me, and just after I had sent my message, I caught my eyes filling up with tears. I wish I can cry, cry very loud that I get to clear and clean everything inside of me. Every day I wake up and the first thought that comes to my mind is a negative one. A thought that is so negative that it could literally haunt me all day long. It makes me think that I shouldn’t wake up, that I should go back to sleep, that there is nothing in this life is worth waking up for! And I don’t get it at all, why would such a thought come to me the first thing I wake up. Then I get some courage to get up and move along with my day. I go to work and I get to forget a little about how miserable I feel inside, then I find it hard to cope with wh

لأن الأشياء التي تأتي دون حسابات أو توقعات هي الأجمل، سيظل لقائنا الأول يوم أن التقينا صدفةً هو ما   أبحثُ عن مثله، وأبذِلُ قصارى جهدي لكي التقي بك في لقاءٍ أخر يشبهه ليترك في روحي مثل ذاك المذاق الحلو .. لم تكن تلك المرة هي الأولى التي رأيتني فيها، فقد رأيتني عدة مرات قبل ذلك، ربما مرتين أو ثلاث .. ولكن في تلك المرة لم أكن أنا تلك الفتاة التي رأيتها من قبل، فقد تغيرتُ كثيرًا، وأصبحت أكثر قبولًا لما يدور حولي من أحداث، فانفرجت ملامح وجهي واتسعت ابتسامتي وأشرقت عيناي .. لعل ذلك هو ما لفت انتباهك تلك المرة وجذبك إلي، فلاحقتني بنظراتك وغمرتني باهتمامك وأخذتني إليك حتى أصبحنا نقف في دائرةٍ واحدة بقربٍ شديد .. أحببتُ ذلك الاهتمام لدرجة لن تتخيلها، كنت متعطشة له فارتويت .. أحببته لدرجةِ جعلتني ابتعد في خوف، أو حذر، لا أدري .. خوفٌ من أن افتقده مرة أخرى .. ولا أدري ماذا فعلتُ بعدها، أكانت أفعالي بهدف أن نتقرب أكثر، أم كنت أهربُ منك؟ ! ثم