#280: A letter to a lost friend...

Dear friend,

I miss you!

That is what I always imagine telling you when I start my speech.
I really do miss you, and I have a lot to tell you. Yet, I have nothing. See, it has been a while since we last talked. And apparently, I should have many stories by now, but I actually have none. Yes, I have done many things, I went to places I never thought I would go to, but, I still feel the same. I’m ashamed! It’s like there’s a hole in my heart. A hole that I keep looping back to falling into it. A hole that never seems to be fully filled up. They say, it’s through such holes that light gets into your heart. But, my hole is just black, it doesn’t seem to let any light in.

I know well that you are just mad at me for not contacting you, for moving away, for not caring enough. I’m mad at myself too. And at you as well, to be honest. But, here I am! Trying to reconnect, to get back in touch.

I dream of you nearly every night, different versions of you. And once I think the dreams shall stop, I dream of you more. It’s driving me crazy! I get that these dreams are telling me something, to take an action. They are telling me I should call or text or visit you somehow. But I just can’t hold myself to do this. Call it ego, or stupidity, whichever you like! I remember the last time we talked, you said you no longer know who I am. I don’t know who I am too.

You know, I never understood how much I love you and hate you at the same time. I consciously decided to move away from you. I simply wasn’t able to stand the shallowness I felt towards our relationship. I think I hate you for how much I thought you hate me. Yet, I never thought that walking away would leave an open wound in my chest. I have no idea what should I do. I’m stuck in between; I am always stuck in between. Should I let you go? Or should I let you in? What would be your say? What would you want to do?!

I’ll keep this one short. I hope it is. And I hope I’d come back and write to you. Even if you’ll never read this, even if you read it and get confused. I’ll come back, because I have so much to say, and there are so many versions of you.

Pray for me, whenever I come to your mind. Let our souls meet somewhere.

Yours,
A lost friend.