#267: My Back Bag

Yesterday, I wore my bag on my back and walked. I chose this bag specifically because it is the only one that fits all those things I wanted to carry. The bag was heavy and my back was sore.

One night passed, and I didn’t even open my bag to use any of the things inside. I wondered what had truly moved me to take this huge bag with all those heavy stuff; the answer came direct.

I had been carrying all of my fears on my back; my fear of boredom, my fear of missing out, my fear of real communication with people, my fear of irresponsibility, and .... to name a few. I thought the things I had packed might bear me those fears; I had a book, a notebook, a coloring set, nuts, and a cards game. I had planned for back-up plans, just in case something out of order came up. Such plans keep me safe, knowing that whatever may come in my way, I’ll know how to handle it. But, no, this is not true.

My plans are runaway plans; plans that help me run from difficult situations and stay safe. I hadn’t packed survival tools or first aids for example. It’s like I avoid reality, and I escape to an imaginary world where I think I’m safer. I avoid intense feelings and interactions, thinking that I’m avoiding pain this way.

Today, I left few of my fears at home, and took only those that I think are necessary to keep me safe, only today. That’s a step to celebrate.