Daydreams...

I want to write. I want to write how useless I feel, how insecure, how sad, how fearful, how uncertain, how disappointed, how desperate, how furious, and how angry I am. I want to let it all out. I want these feelings to get resolved, once and for all. I don't want to feel this negativity ever again.  Yes, I blame you for all of this. I blame you for messing up my life. But, I am confidently taking the full responsibility of fixing myself. I know I am better than you. I am better than my current self. I am better than what I think I am. I just need to see it clearly. I need to remove that fog you have created trying to take over my feelings. I am sorry I unconsciously gave you such a power. I am sorry I loved you. And I am trying as hell to accept this mistake I made by loving you more than myself. I can't help forgiving myself at the current state, but I am working on it. I am working on it. And I will never ever again give up on myself. I am a lot better. Better th...

Today, I had to go over your name several times, and a song that reminded me of you. Today, I miss you like I don’t know why the hell do I still miss you, or what do I exactly miss about you. I just want to know that you are doing okay. I just want to know if you miss me too, or if your heart is broken because you don’t see me or hear from me. I want to know if your heart is broken, is it?!

I'm stuck, again and again and again. And it seems like this is the only place I run to when I feel stuck. Because no one can ever understand how my mind works, not even me. I see myself falling off a cliff and I don't move an inch. I just surrender to the force of free falling. I don't even try to hold onto anything. I see myself in pain, and I don't even think about how I can ease that pain. And I keep complaining that I'm injured and that I need to do something about it, but I do nothing. Days pass, life moves on, and I get hurt again; I fall into another hole. I do exactly the same thing I have always done; nothing. I give up. I lose control. I chose to not help myself. I chose to fall down. I just go to sleep.

Hello, It has a been a while. I don't think you wondered where I am. Anyhow, I'm here, and I am not leaving yet. I am not good. Just not good at all. And it is new to me to confess when I am not good. I used to fake being capable and strong, but no more faking. You will have to deal with the true me, with its ugliness and beauty; that's if there are any beauties. I am not at rest, as if nothing is making me feel at home. Like, wherever I go or whatever I do, it feels like I am hiding from something. I can't figure what it is; I can't see it too. What is it that I truly want? Actually, I know the answer. But the answer is not here in this life. So, basically, I can never find what my heart secretly wishes for. At least, I'll keep finding and losing it every now and then. I am at my weakest point. I hope I never reach any weaker states, because it's devastating. This is what I thought would happen when I surrender to reality, when I stop lyin...

Hi... Miss me? Nah, I don't think so. But I don't care. I'll stay no matter what. Have I told you that I believe I have no friends? Well, yes, I do believe so. "How I define friends?", you might ask. I would simply tell you that a friend is someone who I can frankly tell them everything going on my life, and everything going on my mind. I don't care how much the details are, they must know them all. I must know theirs too. I understand that this might not be the true scope of friendship; friendship is something deeper, and wider in the same time. Friendship is a bond that is unbreakable through time, and it lies in a more spacious place than where I put it.  What?! What am I saying! Did that make sense to you? If it did, then you must be the one. Okay, amidst all of these feelings of loneliness that I have, and the inability of talking and letting out all that I carry in my chest, there is someone who listens. He doesn't talk much. He does...

Dear You, I miss you. Oh, I’m sorry. But, have we met before? I don’t know how to start this. See, I have been talking with you in my mind for too long. Now, I don't know if I should consider you a stranger or a dear friend? But I'll just keep on talking for as long as I can. I need you. I'm at a point in my life where I have lost complete trust in myself. I no longer have faith in me. I don't believe I can change anymore. I have been fighting for too long. So, I will fight no more. I give up. I have changed. I think those who truly change, don't say that they are changing. It just happens naturally and out of their hands. What do you think?  Anyhow, I have come to a point of no return. Actually, I don't want to return; I want to just turn to a different path, a better one.  Too much truth on our first letter? I'm sorry, it might have been a bad entry. I will see you later. Take care!

I miss you. That's the naked truth! But... There is so much hidden behind these words. There are too many blocks over them. They just can't come to the surface that easily. They can't be. Not after all this progress in diminishing them.  I don't want to miss you. I don't want to be missing anymore!