Daydreams...

From where shall I start?! Three years ago, or maybe more, I have been keeping a secret journal where I used to lay down all my feelings and fantasies about a love that I was not able to admit. Back then, I knew these feelings were not right, and it was not a true love, and that is why I couldn't admit it. Randomly finding this journal, and reading it today, made me discover how naive I was for believing in my feelings. But then again, who am I to judge my former feelings. I mean, this is not right; feelings are supposed to be always right. Actually, they do not fall in the categorization as right or wrong. They are just feelings that come to us and we must accept them as they are. We should not judge our own feelings to say they are right or not. We should accept them, and let them be felt as is. So, maybe I was right about everything I have felt back then, because up till this moment I still fall for the same things, and the same feelings. What actually matter are the decisions ...

Two days ago, I woke up saying to myself: "I can do better!" Yesterday I woke up saying: "I could be better!" And, today, I said: "I deserve better!" Something is definitely wrong, and I am stuck! It's like these words are chasing me, and they come and hit me in the mornings to ruin my day. And every day feels like I'm fighting a very hard battle against my self pettiness. Looks like it is winning these days! Pray for me, please!

I'm running away. I don't feel as liberated as I might seem. I haven't yet gotten out of my prison. Not even close. And I'm running away from facing my fears. I don't want to think much, and I'm happy that I'm busy working all the time. I can't even recognize if I am really enjoying work, or am I just finding excuses to escape the heart ache that I might be experiencing. I'm afraid I'm faking strength and control. I am actually weaker and more vulnerable than ever before. I am just saying, that I am still not honest with myself. I still need to heal, and I'm still not on the right path of healing. I'm deeply frustrated, and I'm re-giving back this pretended control.

Some people just amaze me! They know nothing about me, they have no idea what is going on my mind and heart, they can't even figure out where I am, or what is happening in my life right now, or how things have changed since the last time they checked on me, yet they give themselves the right to judge me. And they don't listen to me when I try to speak to defend myself, or even to confirm their claims. They are just amazing!

In my reality, you are not the man of my dreams. Hold on a second, you're not even in my dreams! It's the first time, since you departed, that I am fine with the fact that you will not stay in my life any longer. I am not holding grudges any more. I am letting you go, gratefully, and I don't want you to even try any harder. Because, well, you have just lost all your chances. I'm setting you free. You are no longer obligated to do anything. In fact, you have always been free, and it has been always your call. This time, I am just not holding any expectations. Actually, I am denying the whole idea. I am taking control, and I am rejecting!

I have always hated dreams. Simply because they are true! Think about it; dreams always tend to face you, either with your deepest fears, or your deepest desires. Both ways, you will get hurt, because you wouldn't like to face your fears that you can't change, or your desires that you can't fulfill. Looking from the other side, dreams tell you the truth about who you are, and who you want to be. So, dreams help you discover yourself, which I think is an advantage. Anyhow, change is hard, and facing reality is even harder. That is why I'm not a fan of dreams, and I wish I could never dream, because they, literally, ruin my reality!

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