Daydreams...

From where shall I start?! Three years ago, or maybe more, I have been keeping a secret journal where I used to lay down all my feelings and fantasies about a love that I was not able to admit. Back then, I knew these feelings were not right, and it was not a true love, and that is why I couldn't admit it. Randomly finding this journal, and reading it today, made me discover how naive I was for believing in my feelings. But then again, who am I to judge my former feelings. I mean, this is not right; feelings are supposed to be always right. Actually, they do not fall in the categorization as right or wrong. They are just feelings that come to us and we must accept them as they are. We should not judge our own feelings to say they are right or not. We should accept them, and let them be felt as is. So, maybe I was right about everything I have felt back then, because up till this moment I still fall for the same things, and the same feelings. What actually matter are the decisions ...

Sometimes I feel like I need to breakdown and become weak. I believe I'm too strong that I'm starting to doubt the truthfulness of my feelings! And though I know that this is not true, that I do feel the pain, I'm just not so good enough at showing it. Or maybe I express it in ways other than the common breakdowns. I'm unique you know. And I don't understand why do I see my positive points as negatives, all the time. I mean it's good that I'm strong, yet I don't want this!! I want to be normal?! And who defines normality?? Rather than thinking that I'm not true enough, why don't I think that I'm doing it right, that I'm wiser than most of people. Why do I lower my self esteem, instead of boosting it? I'm perfect the way I am. And I won't even start mentioning what I do wrong in my life. At least for a while. Until I get to believe in myself again.

Here's what happens to the heart when it gets shot. It's like glass, you know. When a sheet of glass gets shot by a bullet, it shatters and gets divided into millions of small pieces. Yet the pieces stay intact, they stay in place for moments letting the glass figure out whether it'll fall down and break or there might be a hope it get fixed. And then suddenly it falls down broken into very little pieces, and what was once a figure now becomes nothing. That's what happens to the heart when it gets shot by a bullet of betrayal, disappointment, and regret.

They get all stressed up, not because of all the things they have to do, but because of all the things they started but haven't finished yet. I have a plan, I know what I should do, but that what I should do doesn't yet speak to my soul, it hasn't touched my heart yet. And I don't know how long shall I wait till it makes a print on me, or what else I have to do to make it speak?! Writing isn't that easy, I came to understand. It's only easy when it means to make yourself feel better, so you pour on all your negative emotions on a piece of a white paper. So you think by that you are cleaning your heart from all the stains that are left on it. Sometimes it works, sometimes you're just running away from your heart. Because sometimes you say the truth and help your heart figure it all out, and sometimes you just walk around your heart and never go deeply through it. It's a matter of how much can you get linked with your heart, and no one can actually fi...

And you're drifting away, building walls before you even notice. Faith is what you need, and faith is what you repel! When it becomes the only one who calls on you so many times a day and the only one you keep ignoring. You're drifting away into the darkness of your own heart and soul. And it breaks my heart seeing you breaking your heart. How can I ask you to stop, when you don't even care about your own heart. And how can I trust that you would trust me? How could we ever live together like this?!

All my life I've been trying to put my life on track, and I keep failing. But I come back another day, and I try again. For I believe one day I'll find the track I'm looking for. But then you come along, and you ruin my life. And all my trials and all my plans, wishes, and hopes get smashed in front of my eyes. And I take time, a lot of time, to get myself glued back together. But when I finally manage that, you find another way to break me. I've let you do so, I know. And I'm still letting you, I know. But you keep telling me you're doing this for me. I believe you. I believe I'm selfish enough if I don't believe you. And it's all your fault. You've lead me into submission. And I've lost myself in you. No that is not a good thing. And no, you won't give up. But I won't stop praying. I won't give in. And I'll keep trying, till death do us part. That's a promise I can keep!

Don't you ever think it's easy on me to see you leaving like this. Don't your ever think that I don't care, that I'm not hurt. Don't you ever doubt that I haven't loved you enough. But don't you ever think that you're irreplaceable. Because you are, replaceable. Everyone is. Don't you think I'd wait. Didn't you know that I'd hate to wait?  Didn't you know that I would not have been able to fight? This is not for you, this is for me. Because I know this would be harsh on you. But this is what holds me up, and I'm sure you wouldn't like to see me down, right? So Don't you ever think it's easy on me!