Daydreams...

It's an attitude. And moreover, it's a choice. You know that saying that when you're a kid, you're dying to graduate from school, and you can't wait when you'll be at college where there is the life you're expecting and dreaming of. Then when you're at college, you're dying to graduate and go beyond life and into your dreams and all the real practical life experiences. Then you graduate and get a job, that you find, after awhile, that it isn't as anything you had ever dreamed of. So you're dying for another opportunity to find the life of your dreams. And another, then another ... You never settle down. Then you feel that you don't want to end up alone, that the time has come to find a stable relationship that opens the doors of happiness for you. You're dying to get married, until you do. Then you're dying to build a home and a family, a family of your own. You buy a bigger house, you find a better job, you hold the responsibili...

I have learnt things by the hardest of methods. The things I know now, the things I've learnt and trying to apply in every moment of my life, aren't things that I got to know easily. I've been hurt badly to be the person I am today. And this is why I am a better person, I hope. And I try to teach others what I've learnt, just because I so much believe in the  necessity of  teaching and sharing. But the dilemma is: Shall I teach by the hard method? Or by a smoother one? Because I don't want to really hurt anyone, but that's the best way there is to get the best out of anyone. But here's a hint, for me: You wouldn't ever be able to please everyone. So do this, please yourself, and do what you think is right. Always.  If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have been who I am right now.

You are on the radio. You're in every song I listen to. You're on the TV. And you're even inside my laptop. You're in the coffee I drink; and you're there sitting beside me drinking. You're everywhere I go. You're walking at every street and passing by me with your car. You're everywhere. And I don't know what hurts the most, the fact that you are actually not there? That you are untouchable, and unreachable. Or the fact that you are somewhere else, totally different, and totally far away. That there's no chance ever of meeting you coincidentally?!

They say I should write the book I wish to read. Here's the thing, all the books that I wish to read have already been written before. So, it's easier for me to read them than to write them. Plus what would I be adding if I wrote a book which has been written many times before? I'm lost, I feel like I'm running out of time, and I don't want to run just because I'm running out of time, and I don't know how much time left do I have.And I know I can't get any help. All I can do is to whine about how lost I am and just that. But I know something that I should do. I should keep on trying, everyday. Even if I just try to try harder everyday, one day I'll be able to do it. I know that and I believe in myself, and I'm optimistic. Still, today I'm cranky!!

I'm really sorry, really sorry. Because I've been better. I am better.I know that. Just, I can't! I can't be better now. I'm lost, too lost. Like I'm left in the middle of the sea, all alone, with no wind to sail the boat! And I'm wondering! Who am I? What I do? And what made me get on this boat?! If only I can go back in time! Well, I don't know exactly what would I have done?! But I'm sure I would have tried harder. I would have tried harder to save myself from getting on that boat while there's no wind to sail it. Or maybe I would have fought harder to get some air to help me cross this huge, appearing calm, ocean. I would have been different. I wish I were different, just a little bit! --Today, all I had in mind is: Have I just lost all of my five past years? Because somehow, right now, I'm not proud of who I was during them?  Will anything change soon?!

ساعات بسأل نفسي مين الناس دي؟ و إزاي بقوا كده؟ و لا أنا بقيت كده إزاي؟ مين الي اتغير؟ و مين الي بعد؟ و ليه بعدنا؟ و بقى ايه مصيرنا؟ و يا عالم لسه الي جاي ايه؟ يا ترى كانت حياتنا هتبقى  عاملة ازاي لو كنا فضلنا؟ كانت حياة مين هتغلب؟  و لا كانت هتبقى حاجة تانية؟ كل واحد فينا مشي في اتجاه عكس التاني اتجاهات لا يمكن تتقابل في يوم و مشينا و اتفرقنا بس بنرجع نتلاقى  في ذكرة قديمة مشوشة بالعافية قادرين نفتكر ها و بنفضل عايشين في صورة,  ليك أو ليا,  برده قديمة,  مش فاكرين شايلنها فين و فجاءة بنتقابل من بعيد لبعيد مش بنتكلم  بس بنسمع بعض  و بنشوف بعض  و بنعرف أخبار بعض " ايه ده, دي اشتغلت؟!  و ايه ده, ده خطب! ما شاء الله " و بنفتكر قد ايه كنا قريبين  و قد ايه كنا بنحب بعض و نرجع نسأل نفسنا ليه بعدنا و ليه اختلفنا و يا ترى كان ايه هيبقى مختلف لو كنا فضلنا محدش بيجاوب, محدش عنده إجابة و يومين و كل واحد...

Here it comes, my let out, the air my mind breathes, my best friend, my guide and mentor, my love, my work, my life and my everything. It's this white page. This white page calls me every night and it asks me: "How was your day?!" "Is there something bothering you?" "You look happy today, oh tell me I can't wait to be happy for you." "Have you learnt anything today?!" "Have you got a story to share?" ... Some nights I answer it, because I'm so desperate to talk. Other nights I ignore its call just because I don't have a suitable answer. And sometimes the answer is so, so long that it'll take days to tell, not just a night. But it still calls me every single night, and it has never given up on me, it's a true and real friend. Sometimes it has things to tell me too -yes it's a two sided relation- things it wants me to learn, and enjoy listening and talking about. It's incredible and amazing. Tonight is o...

Watching the world from behind through a small window... Sometimes I see myself living in a world to which I don't fit. The friends I say I have and the people I say I belong to, sometimes I see that they don't represent the real me. I'm not like them. But here comes a question: Why do I seek to fit in while I can easily stand out?! If I see myself different than them, then that's a privilege. Everyone seeks to be unique and tries to find something that makes him recognizable from the rest, something where only his name is mentioned when the conversations come to that thing; he's the only one for it! But then comes another question: How can I stand out?! Sometimes I seem to know the exact answer to that question, and other times, which are more, I just don't. And here is where I am stuck. Because trying to fit in, though it's a lovely place to fit in, is not working for me. I'm born to stand out. And standing out, for me right now, is a bit hard...

Somewhere out of all this haze I'm living in, I miss you. It has been always like that, missing you every time everywhere. But who do I miss and what exactly do I miss? Because recently you haven't been who I knew you are. Maybe you have changed or maybe it's me. I think I just miss what I haven't ever got. But it was you who made me expect what I have been wishing for, which is what I miss right now. What happened to me? I thought this was over. I was over expecting and over wishing. But somewhere deep inside of my heart I still long for...for something, I don't know even what to call it. All I know is that I miss you. I miss your existence. I miss being inspired. And I miss having true deep giggles that come from real happiness, not just a fake full of lust one! I don't know what to call this moment?! A moment of awakening or a moment of weakness! But I hate what's going on my mind. My sick schizophrenic mind!! 

It has been two days. They seem like a lifetime. And I refuse to make them longer! I'm trying to persist... But... " There's no right or wrong, there's only public opinion. "  There's also common sense! Things are totally messed up everywhere around me. And I'm afraid we're going back to there. Yes, it has been almost a year and it's not over yet. But these things take time, and it's good to take time, because things that come quickly collapse in no time! And we're fighting for a change that is to remain forever. But the pattern of how things go on is scary. It keeps going up and down so frequently and sometimes we don't go up at all, but we go more to the down! And we keep going down and entering critical sections, but then we recover, for a while, and step up a few steps but then we step down again and even more and more down. Till when we'll be swinging? When will everything be stable again going in a straight line th...

When your plans collapse in front of your eyes. When you get to face the real world, and you're not yet ready to face it. You're not yet prepared, though you are supposed to be very well prepared. It's really a hard life out there. You're asked to give so much more than what you can hold. And people, if they don't help, they just don't stop asking. So you get confused and you change your mind every second. You don't settle and people don't leave you in peace, for a while, with what you might settle for. Just why don't simple dreams get appreciated?! Why do people have to keep fighting for achieving bigger and bigger dreams?! Though, actually, a simple dream might be so hard to achieve. How can one tell and be sure of what one desires?! I'm keeping my word. 

 "إذا استعجلت شيئا حرمت منه"  I've heard this saying today. And I wouldn't stand being deprived of it, my deepest, most wanted dream. But when or how can I tell if I'm seizing an opportunity or trying to fast-forward time?! Because you have to make believe that whatever is happening to you right now, it is the best that could ever happen to you.  Sometimes life gets so confusing, contradicting, and conflicting!