Daydreams...

كلمتين بقالي كتير عايزة أقولهم دموعي بقالها كتير نفسها تنزل و بتلكك على أي كلمة أو حركة أو حتى مشهد من فيلم عبيط خايفة و مطمنة في نفس الوقت فرحانة قوي بحجات كتير بتحصل حواليا و من جوايا حزن و نكد غريب قاعد مستني اللحظة الي هيطلع فيها أصلي مش فاهمة مع إني مستوعبة كويس جدا كأن نفسي مليانة غضب و حقد بس عقلي كله طيبة و سذاجة بسأل نفسي كتير: هو أنا إيه؟ حلوة يعني ولا وحشة؟ كويسة كده ولا سخيفة؟؟ أنا عن نفسي فخورة بيا و بحياتي و بحمد ربنا ميت مرة بالرغم إني حاسة بزهق و ملل مش مفهوم له أول من أخر محتاجة أركز قوي في شغلي و بجد متحمسة قال إيه لسة مستنية أخد على الجو و المكان الجديد أنا أصلا كل حاجة و عكسها هي دي حياتي و حياتنا كلنا و مالناش غير حل واحد ندعي و نكلم ربنا يا رب …

There comes a time when you feel too tired to even speak. And as much as you try, no sounds come out of your moving mouth. And every faint sound around you hurts your ears badly. The sound of the clock ticking is so loud that your whole body tickles with it. Your breathing is so heavy that you actually count your breaths. You’re trembling from the inside. You don’t feel your head or your limbs. And though silence surrounds you, there’s a very loud scream inside of you. You try to sleep, you try to escape this void, but you don’t. And your mind can’t stop analyzing every sound it hears, or had ever heard before. You start drawing pictures and directing movies of people you haven’t even heard of before. All inside your little mind. You hear another faint sound, it grabs your attention and your breathing is heavy again. You start thinking “Should I keep my eyes closed, though I’m not asleep? Or should I get out of bed and light up the room?” You open your eyes, and you realize that you a...

Mixed up emotions. Overflow of emotions. Stream of negative thoughts. Hurtful feelings and words in the air. Fake people all around. They keep me wondering: Is it them? Or is it me?! Healing is not easy. Healing must be earned. All good in the world needs effort, and all evil is pretty cheap! I deserve much better than that. Yet, I keep settling for what’s low and empty! Will it ever be? Could it ever be true? Will I be surprised someday? "The future is not ours to see." ~ Doris Day I miss the magic in the words. This is taking longer than expected. I’ll never do this again to myself. This is not right. It’s not healthy. It’s not a challenge. It’s a self destruction process. Do you think it’s possible to love someone who you don’t like? Do you think you can live with someone you don’t like? Do you think it can be controlled? Do you think it’ll be pinky and butterflies all the time? أنا مشتتة Today will pass. So will tomorrow. "Regrets a...

How do I get to choose? When the reason why I have to pass you by and choose not to choose you, is the same reason why I have to stick to you, insist on you, never let you go easily, and choose you with every will I have. I don't get to choose! There's no choice in here, there's only fate waited to be assigned to take over and choose for me. Finally, I choose to not have the choice. And that's the best option I have. The best I can do.

Somewhere out of all this haze I'm living in, I miss you. It has been always like that, missing you every time everywhere. But who do I miss and what exactly do I miss? Because recently you haven't been who I knew you are. Maybe you have changed or maybe it's me. I think I just miss what I haven't ever got. But it was you who made me expect what I have been wishing for, which is what I miss right now. What happened to me? I thought this was over. I was over expecting and over wishing. But somewhere deep inside of my heart I still long for...for something, I don't know even what to call it. All I know is that I miss you. I miss your existence. I miss being inspired. And I miss having true deep giggles that come from real happiness, not just a fake full of lust one! I don't know what to call this moment?! A moment of awakening or a moment of weakness! But I hate what's going on my mind. My sick schizophrenic mind!! 

When your plans collapse in front of your eyes. When you get to face the real world, and you're not yet ready to face it. You're not yet prepared, though you are supposed to be very well prepared. It's really a hard life out there. You're asked to give so much more than what you can hold. And people, if they don't help, they just don't stop asking. So you get confused and you change your mind every second. You don't settle and people don't leave you in peace, for a while, with what you might settle for. Just why don't simple dreams get appreciated?! Why do people have to keep fighting for achieving bigger and bigger dreams?! Though, actually, a simple dream might be so hard to achieve. How can one tell and be sure of what one desires?! I'm keeping my word. 

 "إذا استعجلت شيئا حرمت منه"  I've heard this saying today. And I wouldn't stand being deprived of it, my deepest, most wanted dream. But when or how can I tell if I'm seizing an opportunity or trying to fast-forward time?! Because you have to make believe that whatever is happening to you right now, it is the best that could ever happen to you.  Sometimes life gets so confusing, contradicting, and conflicting!