Daydreams...

You don't like to show your breaks every now and then. You keep your negative thoughts caged inside your brain. But then something happens, something very insignificant that triggers it all, opens the cage for the thoughts, the tears and the shattered pieces inside your heart to fall down. Only then you decide to let it go, loose control and give your negative thoughts the way to pass through you and show itself to others. You find yourself a stranger, no one knows you and you don't know who to talk to as no one is familiar to you either. But there you see someone who might give you the right answers, so you choose to open up to only that person and by that you've opened the cage to the captivated thoughts to be free. It isn't easy, not at all, yes you're finally free of the negativity, maybe, but the process of freeing it and removing the shattered pieces that hurt your heart isn't an easy one at all, it hurts even more and more. Maybe it was worth the hu...

It's too white to see anything as nothing is clear. It's void, it's space, there's nothing even to sense, it's blank. Everything is dimensionless, free of any constraints, able to vanish and disappear at any moment. You're not walking, not even flying, you don't even exist, but somehow you're there. You're too afraid to take your breath, you're standing still as if you've frozen. You can see something small, colorful, flying towards you, you reach it by your hands to catch it, but you can't. Like that it's something in the air, or a visual illusion, or maybe it's you, you're the illusion. Remember you don't even exist, but you can still witness all of that's around you, the void. There's a reason why you can still connect with this void. Is it hope? But hope doesn't exist when trust is lost, and you're too afraid to trust. Is it faith? Faith in yourself? That can't be, remember you don't even e...

Drinking green tea with mint, reading Quraa'n and watching the sunrise on the beach. That's my daydream for today.  How I wish for such a moment. Today was a relatively happy day for me. And I'm starting to break the walls. June, 26

It helps on both ways, when you ignore and when you are ignored. It helps you forget. It happens intentionally and unintentionally, but it hurts on both ways too. When you ignore without recognizing that you are ignoring you get hurt by the fact that maybe you started to forget but it helps by the fact that you've got strong enough to ignore. And when you are ignored, you get hurt and frustrated and thus you tend to become strong and ignore too as a response and that just helps you forget more. Have I got you there? Ignorance is bliss! :) June, 26

Is this what failure feels like? Is this why those who had experienced failure never manage to get up once again on their feet and move on with life? Is it because they had lost the interest, the motive and the trust? It's the trust, isn't it? Losing trust not only in everybody else but actually in yourself. Disappointed and depressed that you can no longer trust yourself to do anything. No, it's not the absence of faith, it's the absence of trust. Is there any difference? Today I lied to you, because I knew you'd get sad, mad and you won't understand, you won't appreciate. And lying to you is the most thing I don't want to happen between us. But it happened now...Is it another sign I should not ignore? June, 25

I need you to listen. But you're never here to listen, and I don't know how to ask you because it's hard enough for me to open up to someone like you, but when it comes to you I feel like I want to keep on talking with a non-stop. It has always been you who I think of when I need to be listened, wishing you may relieve me and listen unconditionally because with you I feel like I'm talking to myself and that's relieving. But you don't,  that never happened or ever it will. Not that you don't listen, but you don't say that you'd listen, for me. You've only said that you'd listen for you. And I needed you listen me for me. You haven't before. Now, will you? June, 24

You can disappear as you like, hide from everything and everyone and never show up. But they will keep trying to get to you. Not because they don't like your disappearance, but because there are things you have to do, they just want you to do them, for themselves first, then for you. You can put off everything you have to do and pause your life -- know that you can never pause time -- just to try to find a way or the strength that will keep you doing what you do. But sometimes that doesn't work; it's like killing the pain but never actually healing. Just pausing, for no reason at all, pausing to do nothing instead, and pausing to waste some time. Maybe yes, it could help you move on stronger after that, and maybe it won't. Denying, postponing, hiding, escaping is never ever a solution, just a waste of time. Please, Attack and don't just defend. June, 23

"It's never expected that today would turn out to be the best day of your life, the day you'll remember forever."  Sometimes the best plan is no plan at all. So I'll let my life go as it goes, I'll believe in the no plan at all. I trust the plan Allah has made for me and I'll leave it to Him. Yes, I just wanna run into the unknown. Not fearing the unknown even if it's too bad, I won't let it turn bad, I'll work hard next time to skip the mistakes I fell in before. I'll be more cautious about the things that maintain my self inner peace. But I need time to reshape and rebuild myself, my life, my heart and mind. Just give me the chance to restart and take my time restarting. Unfortunately life is in a hurry to give me the time to think and restart, and unfortunately too life won't give me the chance to restart anytime I wish. Sometimes you have to work on an ending first to know how to think about a beginning. I'm in need to inst...

"Sometimes you have to truly get immersed into a different world to deeply understand your own." That's what I daydream about, to get out of myself and look from above. Try something different, feel and think different. Try all other options of life, the options that I didn't get to live yet, the bad and the good; I want to try them all. I daydream about being  a different person with a different name and a different shape . And then I live the adventure of that other life and only then I'll understand my own life that I'm living right now, I'll figure it out and I'll know what I truly want. Maybe that's how I'll get in touch with myself once again, detach and then re-attach. **Inspired by the movie: "The Nanny Diaries" June, 21

Shall tomorrow be the last time to go there? Stay in that hall for three hours holding that pen and staring at a paper. Shall I say it's over and never coming back? Or Shall I go back for two or maybe four or five other times? It all depends on the past. And I think… It isn't ever easy to seal the doors of the past at any time you like. It isn't easy to close a door and open another as you demand. You can never skip a consequence of a previous action you did. You can't escape, you can run as much as you can but it'll always chase you till it gets you. You can even hide for a while, take your breath and think, but at the end it's your fate that you'll have to face, it's your past that still has undone tasks to complete. And it's you who has to face your past to set up for a better future. The exams will keep following you till you successfully beat them up. And I wish tomorrow to be the end of my battle. Let's hope for the best. =) June, 2...

I've been detached, drifted away. My heart got blocked, my hands got crippled and my tongue was sealed. I lost the count as I lost the interest. I had to step back and disappear, maybe to heal, maybe to reconsider, or simply to be missed. Until today, something brought it back to me, maybe it was you knocking on my door, or me doing something I love to do or maybe it was the question: "Where are you?" And that's why I decided to break a brick and look at you through it, or let you look through it towards me. I had days worth telling and you had the right to listen. Maybe I'll tell them, maybe I'll pass them by. But you no longer have to worry about me for I'll be back a bit by bit. Just wait and care if you do care and keep asking if you ever thought of the question. June, 19

I'm late as usual. I never admitted that before, when everyone around was saying nothing but that only one sentence. And I was just saying the opposite, like I never wanted to admit being like them or maybe I needed to be different. But it was just how I felt. Never mind, Thank God I got there finally. Maybe I needed to see the horizon first to finally have the guts to say it. And I hope I truly do see what's in the horizon. I needed to take a decision first, it took me long I know, but that's how it works for me. Too much for an intro. Here it comes: "I can't wait to graduate. I'm really excited about graduation. Because I sincerely don't wish to stay another day doing the same thing I've been doing for five years and I need to do something different. I need a fresh new start." -- That's it! Off my chest! =D June, 11

Is it because you're so delicate and sensitive? Or is it because you're so tough and aggressive sometimes? Is it because you get on your nerves a lot? Or because you're too kind to be sad? Just why do I always fear your madness? You're a sweet disease that spreads rapidly all over the place once you step in. But I'm happy that I found a one who has an immunity and faces you with it. And I'm happy I'm getting that immunity too, step by step! June, 10

Today, June 9, is a day added to my unforgettable days. It's a day worth to be recorded. Because today it all came back to me. Today was a day I've been missing so much that I actually forgot it. But it came back. That I love how I feel when I'm around you, the positive energy you give me, the fun you let me enjoy and the time that I wish to never end. And let me see, fun, positive, responsible, happy, caring, passionate, motivated, doing something worthy and never stopping the smile was all that you left me with. I don't think I'll ever be able to live without you my dear family and friends. They know who they are, they are the best friends to know, the friends you'll wish to have all of your life and the friends I'm blessed by. But my smile that I couldn't hide, I'll never hide it, because I'm happy and no one is ever to question my smile. Please let me keep it. :) -- Actually, I'm having a wide one right now! June, 09

Now honestly Stop talking! Don't you sometimes feel like you want to scream and say "Stop talking!" It's always because what you're hearing is hurting you, either physically, mentally or emotionally. In all means you're frustrated by what you're hearing. But how about this one: "Stop talking! If you want to talk, please just talk to me, not at me and definitely not just in front of me." And you keep waiting for that moment they'll maintain the silence, and at every pause they take you feel relieved that it's finally over till you hear another sound, this time from an unexpected side. And the talk is open again to deepen the hurt and your urge to say STOP TALKING!

When your whole life gets so messy and so full of too many things happening here and there and everywhere. Things that aren't even related, make sense to each other or even complete your life. Things that are just unnecessary and unimportant. Things that do no good to you at all but just keep you focused away of that what's important. It's the time when you have to stop. Stop this haze you're living in. And think. Think about everything happening in your life, get deep and find the details. Understand yourself and your life. Take the time to think. Have a break to break the loop of inconvenience. And then rearrange your life and tidy the mess you've put yourself in. Or don't! But it's important to Stop and Think!

جبتك يا عبد المعين تعيني لقيتك يا عبد المعين عايز تتعان That's a proverb. It means: I tried to seek the help of the one who knows how to help me well but I found him the one who needs more help. Doesn't that happen? When you seek someone to fix the mess you're in, and just when you get to him you find him living a more messy world than yours. Don't you then feel you're blessed? And then you try to help him, you actually do help him. And that just makes you feel better. You know, you somehow helped yourself by helping him there.  Sometimes seeking the solution to your problems isn't the way to solve it. Sometimes knowing that you're capable of solving problems, mostly those of a higher difficulty, is the way that best solves your problem. Just keep observing. :)

Yes, Who are you to judge? Who am I to judge? Neither you, nor me know it all, and we can't know it all how much we try. Some questions are better left unanswered. And you can't judge unanswered questions. You just can't judge if you don't know it all. You'd be a fool if you think you'll judge right and fair. And you'll never judge fair enough how much hard you tried to judge fair. So simply let go the judging part, never try to judge, even if you were asked to. And if you ever judged, then remember that this may not be the truth. You'll never know the whole truth. Because everything can be fake in this life and there's only one truth to go to. The only truth is Allah, so let the judging be to Allah and let it go. Have faith in Allah! :) June, 08

علمناهم السرقة، أول ما سرقوا سرقونا It's not about stealing, and I don't think this's the right way to say it either. It's about deeds. What you do comes back to you. If you do good, you'll get good. If you do evil, evil is what you'll get. " The evil you do remains with you; the good you do comes back to you. "

I finally figured it all out, figured you out. Or actually maybe just a part, for you'll always remain a mystery. But I figured your game out. You're a puppet master and I know your trick. It's a beautiful game, to you and to us. Don't worry; you use your game well. You get us amazed and entertained. Just sometimes we only wish if it wasn't a game, if the puppets were real, if the events were true and not a story made up by you. But as long as the story is good, inspiring and healthy, you're welcome to play. And I might like to practice your game too, maybe for you, especially now that I know the trick. Don't stop playing and I won't let me knowing your trick ruins my joy as I see you play. And I wish I figured you right, this part of you right. -- Inspired by a blog post that I've read, hope I'm not cheating by that way! :) June, 07

Lala-land ... Have you ever heard of that before? Have you even imagined how does it look like? I have a special imagination of it. First it's an island. A very small island, the smallest one on earth. It's so small that it can't hold any buildings. There's no life there at all except for some few trees, that hold many kinds of tropical fruits, and birds singing and tweeting all the time, and off course some other little creatures like insects, beautiful insects, butterflies. And the sea is all around you -yes, it's a circular island- with the purest color of blue, it's so pure that you can see the fishes as they swim happily and the dolphins come to check on you, give you a smile, go play for a while and then come back. There, it never rains, there's no storms and the sea never gets high. It's perfectly safe to stay there. And there you are all alone. Lala-land can't hold but one person, and that person is you. You're the only one who is al...

مصائب قوم عند قوم فوائد I don't know why I've just said what I said. And it's even too harsh for the thought in my mind. But doesn't it happen? When one thing just gets you on your nerves and spoils the day out for you, but for others it just makes their day even better and more cheerful? When two different persons see one thing, just the same thing, from two opposite angles, for one it's a bliss, for the other it's just a sad situation. There's nothing to be blamed. But that's how things are sometimes. All you should do is respect and accept. June, 05

When that full stop was the end and not an indication that a new line will begin. When you kept waiting for a word that defines a continuity of something began long ago. When things are left undone and words are left unsaid. When you keep wondering how was it taken and what does it actually mean? That is when later never came. But it's over now, you can't keep waiting for later. So you give up! But again you wonder, would it have been different if what was supposed to be later was soon? " You'll never know how soon it will be late. " June, 04

When things go against you and stop helping you to keep your state of denial, when they step up and say it out loud that everything has changed and that you've drowned deep into your wrongness. You don't know what to do, thank them for waking you up? Or hating them for pushing you to face the truth? June, 04

" Until suddenly it hit me: where others would laugh it off, I spent my life worrying about it. I couldn't get over it. That was my reward: I cared. And I cared so strongly that even when I finally realized that this was no reward at all, I couldn't bring myself to stop. This was important. There was always that chance that one day the failures would stop. " Taken from:  Dreamers Often Lie

When you give me nothing, I give you a smile. When you give me a smile, I give you two. When you give me a wide one, I give you a laugh. And when you laugh, I laugh and keep the smile for you. Even when you give me a frown, I give you too many smiles instead. But when you give me despair and disrespect, I give you nothing!

Whether it’s something you're holding onto out of hope or out of fear, just let it go. Let it go, it's killing you; it burns you deep inside. Let it go because you don't deserve this pain. Let it go because you deserve much better. Let it go because it doesn't matter, it's so cheap. Let it go because your faith is much more stronger. Let it go because I haven't cared so much about anyone like you before, and now I do. Let it go because I don't want you to make the same mistake as I do. Let it go because it will go anyway. Let it go as soft as it could go. And don't, please don't, let me lose you or see your faith weak. You don't know how much you're loved. You're actually needed. And only let your faith be in Allah.

It's the first of June. This month always comes with a smile :) for some reason. At school it was because it's the month that represents the start of my summer vacation, and also because almost all my friends' birthdays were on that month. But recently, a year or two, I didn't feel the glory of that month. Summer vacations are no longer that welcome and actually the exams became powered enough to ruin any fun to be anticipated. And who were my friends, they are all gone by now, been replaced by even more better and best friends. But today, as I saw that date "Wednesday, June 1" I smiled and thought to myself why shouldn't I get the glory of that month back into my life?

Are you missing something? Looking for something?  Tired of everything  Searching and struggling  Are you worried about it?  Do you wanna talk about it?  There's so much to be scared of  And not much to make sense of  Are you running in a circle?  You can't be too careful  And you can't relate it  'Cos it's complicated  You're gonna get it right sometime It's how you see the world  How many times can you see?  You can't believe what you learn  It's how you see the world  Don't you worry yourself  You're not gonna get hurt  Is there something missing?  There's nobody listening  Are you scared of what you don't know?  Don't wanna end up on your own?  You need conversation  And information.....  You're gonna get it right sometimes  It's how you see the world  How many times have you heard?  You can't believe a word  It's how you see the world  Do...

I don't feel like posting today. Though it's such an easy thing to do. I have what to say and I don't care who will be reading. Yes, I want it to be spread as much as possible, but I always believe that as I keep on posting as much as it'll be spread and known. But today, I don't feel like posting. And it's because I feel uninterested, I want to disappear and stay hidden, shinning away maybe. It's because of you? You weren't here, so I didn't have the reason to stay. And because I'm too shy to share! Besides, which will I share? I've got a lot and they are all good! But I have nothing specific to say!