Daydreams...

Two days ago, I woke up saying to myself: "I can do better!" Yesterday I woke up saying: "I could be better!" And, today, I said: "I deserve better!" Something is definitely wrong, and I am stuck! It's like these words are chasing me, and they come and hit me in the mornings to ruin my day. And every day feels like I'm fighting a very hard battle against my self pettiness. Looks like it is winning these days! Pray for me, please!

I'm running away. I don't feel as liberated as I might seem. I haven't yet gotten out of my prison. Not even close. And I'm running away from facing my fears. I don't want to think much, and I'm happy that I'm busy working all the time. I can't even recognize if I am really enjoying work, or am I just finding excuses to escape the heart ache that I might be experiencing. I'm afraid I'm faking strength and control. I am actually weaker and more vulnerable than ever before. I am just saying, that I am still not honest with myself. I still need to heal, and I'm still not on the right path of healing. I'm deeply frustrated, and I'm re-giving back this pretended control.

Some people just amaze me! They know nothing about me, they have no idea what is going on my mind and heart, they can't even figure out where I am, or what is happening in my life right now, or how things have changed since the last time they checked on me, yet they give themselves the right to judge me. And they don't listen to me when I try to speak to defend myself, or even to confirm their claims. They are just amazing!

In my reality, you are not the man of my dreams. Hold on a second, you're not even in my dreams! It's the first time, since you departed, that I am fine with the fact that you will not stay in my life any longer. I am not holding grudges any more. I am letting you go, gratefully, and I don't want you to even try any harder. Because, well, you have just lost all your chances. I'm setting you free. You are no longer obligated to do anything. In fact, you have always been free, and it has been always your call. This time, I am just not holding any expectations. Actually, I am denying the whole idea. I am taking control, and I am rejecting!

I have always hated dreams. Simply because they are true! Think about it; dreams always tend to face you, either with your deepest fears, or your deepest desires. Both ways, you will get hurt, because you wouldn't like to face your fears that you can't change, or your desires that you can't fulfill. Looking from the other side, dreams tell you the truth about who you are, and who you want to be. So, dreams help you discover yourself, which I think is an advantage. Anyhow, change is hard, and facing reality is even harder. That is why I'm not a fan of dreams, and I wish I could never dream, because they, literally, ruin my reality!

عايزة أقعد أكتب للصبح .. كلام كتير ورا بعضه ومالوش علاقة ببعض .. ماتفهمش منه حاجة بس تطلع منه بألف معنى ومعنى... عايزة أسهر على كتاب ومانامش لحد ما يخلص .. أو يقف بيا الزمن ومايرجعش إلا لما أخلص قراية كام كتاب كده... عايزة أجري كتير وأفضل أجري وأجري لحد ماتعب .. لأ لحد ما التعب يخلص .. لحد ما أبطل أحس بأي حاجة... عايزة أكل أكلة حلوة.. غريبة وجديدة ومشبعة .. تكون حادقة ومسكرة في نفس الوقت .. وما تتعبنيش وما تخنيش! عايزة أفضل سهرانة طول الليل والصبح أروح شغلي وأنا فايقة ورايقة .. وأضحك وأهزر وأشتغل بجد... عايزة أضحك على الساعة وأقولها أنا سابقاكي بساعة.. بدل ما كل مرة أبصلها وألقيها بتجري بعيد عني... عايزة أحلم حلم حقيقي .. ولما أصحى أحكيه للناس كلها واستناه يجي تاني، حلم أو حقيقة... عايزة أقابل ناس معرفهاش وأتكلم معاها بالساعات وأكتشف فعلا إني ما أعرفهمش .. ناس غريبة مش شبهي ولا حتى بأي طريقة... عايزة أقعد قدام البحر يوم بحاله .. 24 ساعة يعني .. أشوف الشمس وهي طلعة و أشوفها وهي نازلة وأشوفها وهي بتعاكسني كل ما أبصلها... عايزة أطلع فوق الجبل وألمس ...

- No one can draw a smile on my face and make it last for too long like he does. That's why I'm marrying him. = And no one can make you cry like him!! -Yes, that is true. But that is how it works; the one who makes you laugh deep from your heart is the same one who makes you cry deep from your heart. = And after all that happened, after all that he did, will you trust him again?! What will you do when he hurts your heart again?! - First of all, that's a lame thought. Why do you insist on predicting the worse? Why don't you just wish me luck and hope the best for me?! Secondly, let's assume it happens and he hurts me again. I don’t think I would mind it then. Because when it happens, I would have lived the time of my life with him. I would have tasted the happiness I'm destined to taste in this life. And I would not regret it. On the contrary, I'm sure I will regret not marrying him one day. Please support me. That's what friends are for, aren...