Daydreams...

كلمتين بقالي كتير عايزة أقولهم دموعي بقالها كتير نفسها تنزل و بتلكك على أي كلمة أو حركة أو حتى مشهد من فيلم عبيط خايفة و مطمنة في نفس الوقت فرحانة قوي بحجات كتير بتحصل حواليا و من جوايا حزن و نكد غريب قاعد مستني اللحظة الي هيطلع فيها أصلي مش فاهمة مع إني مستوعبة كويس جدا كأن نفسي مليانة غضب و حقد بس عقلي كله طيبة و سذاجة بسأل نفسي كتير: هو أنا إيه؟ حلوة يعني ولا وحشة؟ كويسة كده ولا سخيفة؟؟ أنا عن نفسي فخورة بيا و بحياتي و بحمد ربنا ميت مرة بالرغم إني حاسة بزهق و ملل مش مفهوم له أول من أخر محتاجة أركز قوي في شغلي و بجد متحمسة قال إيه لسة مستنية أخد على الجو و المكان الجديد أنا أصلا كل حاجة و عكسها هي دي حياتي و حياتنا كلنا و مالناش غير حل واحد ندعي و نكلم ربنا يا رب …

I’m starting over. Starting fresh and new, just the way I like it. And not just that! My dream is actually coming true. Everything I ever wanted, or even just thought or dreamed of, is becoming a reality. But hey, it’s not all pinky and easy. My dream is achieved with Allah’s, the most generous and the most merciful, blessings. Alhamdulillah. However, the dream must be maintained, and that’s by the hardest and most passionate work I could ever do. It’s a huge responsibility. Blessings, however, always come with responsibilities, that indeed I’m totally, inshaa’Allah, ready to take them effortlessly. I’m happy. Stressed, yet happy. I don’t feel hungry anymore! And I’m learning. I won’t stop. So I need to remember this. I need to sustain this fire within me. Remind me if I ever forget! :)

Some words are so hard to be said, yet they are best said in their simplest form. Like: “He’s dead”, “I’m leaving”, and “It’s over”. See, there’s no other way to say it. I’m leaving.

And I've reached a conclusion. You’ll never find what you’re searching for until you’re ready to have it in your life. Are you ready?!

I feel trapped again. Trapped in a net of an illusion, a mirage in this deserted heart. And I just can’t stop thinking how much I haven’t changed a bit. Now, I’m in love with a nickname that I used to hate anyone calling me with. I seek the moment when I get to hear it. And if I don’t hear it, I’d become devastated. Because I know there’s only one who I’ll respond to if I've ever been called with that particular name. I see a fine man. A man of honors, dignity, and modesty. I see how beautiful his feelings are towards everyone around, how his mind is alert and thoughtful. My respect and admiration to him increases each time I get to meet him. Yet he’s not the one I need to stick around. He’s not the one whose voice rings in my ears before I sleep at night. This keeps me wondering. Could you ever love someone you don’t like? And could it ever happen that you like someone who you don’t love??

"For so long Tim and I had been on the same journey to recovery. And because we’d both experienced brain damage, parts of that healing landscape were similar. But we had each traveled on that journey alone and arrived at the end almost strangers to each other." When difficulties drift you away rather than actually getting you closer to each other. That proves it wasn't real love in the first place! Source:  Where Love Leads Us - Love InshaAllah

If I say no, I’ll end years of suffering, years to come and years that are gone. And if I say yes, I’ll give us another one little weak chance of hope. I never wanted to be the one who decides. Because deep down I don’t want to be the one who has killed our hope, and our love. I don’t want to be the one who shoots the final bullet. And the fact that you keep putting me in charge makes me hate you even more. You have left me stuck, once more. Giving me no other option except rejecting your final offer, or even if I accept it, I’ll have no hopes at all.