Daydreams...

You've no idea how happy I'm feeling inside, how my heart is jumping out of happiness just for you. I'm thrilled with the fact that you're going to perform Hij this year. And the best part is that I'll get to tease you and call you "ya 7agg" whenever I like, and you can't stop me! ;) Yes, it's so important that I had to write it somewhere, and here is our place. May it be blessed and accepted. And may it be a turning point that changes your whole life for the best ever after. Please don't forget our prayers. And please don't forget patience. Have a safe journey and a spiritually enjoyable Hij. 143.

"The paralysis has seeped deep into me, settled into my spine, kind of. Most days I feel like an energy vampire is constantly leeching my energy away. I'm always mentally and physically exhausted. I've lost my passion for working, and that is extra bad because I'm a person who cannot work if I'm not passionate about it. I can't work just to work. Something inside me has broken, shifted, changed, doesn't fit any more. Like having a broken bone that just didn't heal properly. And until it does, I'm kind of stuck. Like, when you need to go to the bathroom, then you need to go to the bathroom. You can't do anything until you go to the bathroom. Well, until I figure out how to get myself out of this mental place I'm in, I can't move on with my life." -- From a very thoughtful post: http://ibnbattutawannabe.wordpress.com/2012/10/01/up-in-the-air/ .. By Ethar El-Katatney

What am I supposed to do when you're not there by my side? I turn to my left and I expect to see you; you're not there. Time doesn't pass easily without your sweet words and looks. And I live a hard time when I don't hear your voice. Yet, I understand that you had to go. I even understand that you shouldn't be here where I want you to be. I understand that you're only available in the world of my dreams. I understand that I can fancy as much as I'd like, and nothing will ever become true. And I also understand that it's out of your hands. You don't know. And you shouldn't know. But I can't help not saying that I wish I had a brother like you.

You should have asked first. You really did. It isn't something that you own alone. We all did. Not just because it was first suggested by you, you'll consider yourself the only one responsible for it! We should have talked about it. Maybe we could have found another different solution than the one you came up with and forced on all of us. Maybe I would have suggested that we break it all up. Maybe you would have spoken to me about how important we should keep going and never give up. You should have cared, about how I would feel, about how we'd all feel. We should have studied it together, analyzed it from each other's views, and came up with a decision that satisfies all of us. Now see where you've put me. I'm there, yet I'm absent. I'm not interested anymore, and I'm losing my passion. And, to me, it no longer feels mine. It's all yours, and according to your decision, do whichever you'd like about it. You're forcing me to go. Yet...

I had a plan that I made when I was desperate for a new life and a new experience. Because I had a time when I lost it all, or thought I had lost it all. I lost my dream and passion, I lost my friends and my social life, I lost my work and my ambitions. At that time I used to hide and cave in my own shell. At that time I thought life was worthless and useless. And at that time I was desperately seeking every mean to get myself out of that haze. And I made myself a plan. A plan that satisfied me at the time. A plan seeking a new life and a new experience. Yet, the plan wasn't to be executed immediately, I had to wait for a couple of months or more. I was ready and pleased to wait, so I waited excitedly. Then, and I'm extremely grateful for what happened then, while I was waiting, a new life began to bloom and and present itself to me. I happily grabbed the opportunity that came into my hands without even asking or seeking. And I am grateful. Though, it's not yet ...

I'm sorry I deny my love. I'm sorry I'm afraid to admit that you're the one my heart secretly desires. I'm sorry if I talk behind your back. I'm sorry I'm listening to the people who tell me that it won't work. I'm sorry that you've hurt me once and my heart can't easily trust you. I'm sorry I'm confused and worried. I'm sorry if I'm unintentionally ruining our future, if we have a one. I'm sorry I'm looking for options. I'm sorry I won't support you or stand by you, just not yet. I'm sorry I'm not trying to control our lives. I'm sorry you'll have to prove yourself all over again. Not just for me this time though. I'm sorry I don't know what to do, what's wrong and what's right. I'm sorry, okay I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?! Will I forgive myself?

"It's better to let someone walk away from you than walk all over you." I won't blame you if you left. I won't blame you if you disappeared now. I won't blame you if you stopped talking to me. I admit I'd be curious for a while, but then, I won't blame you. On the contrary, I'd be relieved! But please don't hurt me before you go. You've already hurt me once and twice, and the thrice I won't handle! I just wouldn't stand seeing myself being hurt by you for a third time. Just leave, without a notice. Just leave, and don't excuse yourself. Don't make a scene. Don't say I was wrong. Don't hurt me again!