Daydreams...

In my reality, you are not the man of my dreams. Hold on a second, you're not even in my dreams! It's the first time, since you departed, that I am fine with the fact that you will not stay in my life any longer. I am not holding grudges any more. I am letting you go, gratefully, and I don't want you to even try any harder. Because, well, you have just lost all your chances. I'm setting you free. You are no longer obligated to do anything. In fact, you have always been free, and it has been always your call. This time, I am just not holding any expectations. Actually, I am denying the whole idea. I am taking control, and I am rejecting!

When words get stuck in your throat and never attempt to get out of your heart. When emotions are too deep and complicated that they can’t be expressed, but only felt. When fear becomes the theme of your life. When you hold your own problems with your own hands but never manage to throw them away. When you choose to surrender, though you understand it very well that it really hurts to think it over. When life passes by you and you don’t get to catch it. When you just wish life stops here so you don’t live longer and make more mistakes. When you hold on to the moment so hard and wish it never leaves because you just can’t imagine how could it possibly be otherwise. Only then, just give it all up. Give it up to Allah, the owner of life and death.

I have a dream, a life of my own imagination, a life I wish to live one day, the life of my dreams. Yet, you and my dream don't seem like you fit together! كان نفسي احكي للناس عنك و اتباهى بيك. و كل شوية اجيب في سيرتك. و كل ما حد يكلمني عن موضوع جديد اقوله: "آه, حبيبي حكالي القصة دي". بدل ما كل ما افتكرك بيني و بين نفسي, اسكت و ما اتكلمش و اقول لعقلي: "مش تنسى بقى؟!" و اقول لقلبي: "لسة بتحن له؟! بعد ما كسر لك حلمك؟!" ... بقيت بالنسبة لي تجربة و عدت بعد ما كنت في نفسي كل حياتي. ولو أن حلمي بيك مش هيكمل! فحلمي معاك مش هيكون!   و أنا اخترت احلم!ا

Don't you ever think it's easy on me to see you leaving like this. Don't your ever think that I don't care, that I'm not hurt. Don't you ever doubt that I haven't loved you enough. But don't you ever think that you're irreplaceable. Because you are, replaceable. Everyone is. Don't you think I'd wait. Didn't you know that I'd hate to wait?  Didn't you know that I would not have been able to fight? This is not for you, this is for me. Because I know this would be harsh on you. But this is what holds me up, and I'm sure you wouldn't like to see me down, right? So Don't you ever think it's easy on me!

Sometimes you've got to step back, let go, postpone, put things on hold, for a while, just a little while, or as much while as it takes, and then you come back, get into it once more, try again, try harder and try differently, maybe this time it'll work, maybe you see it from a different angle and find it easier, maybe it'll get solved all by itself, maybe you'll get stronger and fight it harder. Just maybe. And sometimes it works. I'm letting you go, just to let you come back stronger and better than ever before. I'm letting you go, because I believe that if we truly deserve each other, we'll win one another easily, with no hardships, but with the blessings of Allah. So I'm waiting for the right moment, the right moment which when it comes, everything will just be different, everything will .... just be different!