Daydreams...

I don't want to sleep because I'm not motivated to wake up. Sleeping now means an end for today and a beginning for tomorrow, where I'll go through everything again. It seems like it doesn't matter how much cheering or motivation I can get, at the end of the day I still can't handle living. I have no idea why this is happening. Why do I resist? What do I resist? How come life turned out so boring and pointless! Where has the cheerful-me gone? Am I that fake? Till when I'll keep saying that I can't take it anymore? Because that is a lie. By the end, I do take more and more, and life keeps circulating. Something has to change. The circle must be broken. And I'm supposed to be the savior of my life. So I should be the one with the axe and break it. But I can't find any axes, or scissors actually! Can u see any?!

So, I have been looking for you these last days. And I am on the edge. Fortunately, I didn't find you. Because I know you are not the one I should find. But I feel desperate! Looks like all the doors that I can enter to run away from you are closed. I keep searching for their keys, but I am just not meant to find them. Maybe it takes time, and I can't wait any longer. I don't know for how long can I stay stuck. When can I break free from this maze. When can I finally feel enough. I'm not satisfied with myself. And it doesn't matter how much I know that I can change, I don't change. And it is taking forever. I'm just too selfish and greedy. I know! I'm lazy too! And I'm inconsiderate. I'm spoiled! And lately I don't feel open to talk to anyone as I used to be. And I know I shouldn't post this. Probably I won't. But then again, what difference would it make. Nothing at all, nothing as usual.