Daydreams...

I don’t think I want to continue on living! Yet, I'm not ready to die. Like I’m stuck in between life and death. Maybe this is a good start, for me, to seriously consider getting ready to die. Yes, I believe, it’s the only reason that makes sense why I should keep on living.  I should start living and get ready to die! .اللهم أحيني ما كانت الحياة خيرا لي وتوفني إذا كانت الوفاة خيرا لي .اللهم توفني و أنت راض عني

"When I look into your eyes, it's like watching the night sky or a beautiful sunrise. I won't give up on us even if the skies get rough. I'm giving you all my love, I'm still looking up. And when you are needing your space, I'll be here patiently waiting. We have got a lot to learn; God knows we are worth it. NO, I won't give up." * What would you say if these words were said to you? *Listen  here

I had once said: " Today, you were the one who corrects me without embarrassing me, who blames me without making me feel bad about myself, who advices me rather than shouts at me, and who supports me the most when I needed it the most just from you. " Until I feel this again, until it becomes a true feeling and not just an illusion, I'm not settling for anything less! That's the promise I give to myself.

I have learnt things by the hardest of methods. The things I know now, the things I've learnt and trying to apply in every moment of my life, aren't things that I got to know easily. I've been hurt badly to be the person I am today. And this is why I am a better person, I hope. And I try to teach others what I've learnt, just because I so much believe in the  necessity of  teaching and sharing. But the dilemma is: Shall I teach by the hard method? Or by a smoother one? Because I don't want to really hurt anyone, but that's the best way there is to get the best out of anyone. But here's a hint, for me: You wouldn't ever be able to please everyone. So do this, please yourself, and do what you think is right. Always.  If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have been who I am right now.

You are on the radio. You're in every song I listen to. You're on the TV. And you're even inside my laptop. You're in the coffee I drink; and you're there sitting beside me drinking. You're everywhere I go. You're walking at every street and passing by me with your car. You're everywhere. And I don't know what hurts the most, the fact that you are actually not there? That you are untouchable, and unreachable. Or the fact that you are somewhere else, totally different, and totally far away. That there's no chance ever of meeting you coincidentally?!

It was strange, to me, that feeling I felt the minute I saw your face. It was like an unexpected reaction coming out of me, I was taken by the surprise that it can happen, and that easily. And then another one, very odd feeling, very relieving and breath taking feeling, the first time I saw your smile and your laugh. Then this one, the one that I can't believe how I could feel it, the one that proves to me that true and real love has a totally different and sweeter taste when it comes in its right moment, that true love is so much worth the wait, even if I'll wait forever. But the strangest of them all was that feeling I had, the next day, where I could sense you anywhere I went to, or whenever my phone rang! And I've no idea what does this all mean? Is it just a thrill of something new? Is it a soul finding its peace somewhere near? Or is it just a sign that there's something much better left for me, than what I thought I can just settle for? Or am I that eas...

Don't you ever think it's easy on me to see you leaving like this. Don't your ever think that I don't care, that I'm not hurt. Don't you ever doubt that I haven't loved you enough. But don't you ever think that you're irreplaceable. Because you are, replaceable. Everyone is. Don't you think I'd wait. Didn't you know that I'd hate to wait?  Didn't you know that I would not have been able to fight? This is not for you, this is for me. Because I know this would be harsh on you. But this is what holds me up, and I'm sure you wouldn't like to see me down, right? So Don't you ever think it's easy on me!

So, once again, I'm stuck in the world of dreams. Dreams which only exist between the walls of my brain. And I'm not happy. I've been happier when the walls of my brain were empty, and my hands were busy working on the world of realities. And I know, I know what bought me back to the dreams, I know what made me hide again inside the walls of my brain. And I don't know how to get myself out of myself. I'm stuck!

Sometimes you've got to step back, let go, postpone, put things on hold, for a while, just a little while, or as much while as it takes, and then you come back, get into it once more, try again, try harder and try differently, maybe this time it'll work, maybe you see it from a different angle and find it easier, maybe it'll get solved all by itself, maybe you'll get stronger and fight it harder. Just maybe. And sometimes it works. I'm letting you go, just to let you come back stronger and better than ever before. I'm letting you go, because I believe that if we truly deserve each other, we'll win one another easily, with no hardships, but with the blessings of Allah. So I'm waiting for the right moment, the right moment which when it comes, everything will just be different, everything will .... just be different!

My heart doesn't speak to me. My heart is sad, because of me. No it's not broken, my heart is stronger than this, my heart has faith I never knew it had before. It's just a little sad. And it refuses to speak to me. It can no longer trust me. I've hurt it too many times before. I've made it look bad and weak. I've put it in many hard situations, things it couldn't hold or stand. And though everything, it's still standing strong, claiming itself as my heart, my heart of which I'm proud of. I'm sorry dear heart, please forgive me, same as you always do. And I promise I'll do all that it takes to make it up for you. My dear heart, my heart I'm proud of.

"Love has reasons reason cannot understand."  That's why when it comes to reason, love doesn't get involved! It doesn't matter how much you've loved, or how much you were in love. Because when the serious talk starts, the love is forgotten. The love has already done its job, bringing you down into serious talk! Yes, that's the only reason of love, bringing you down into serious talk. So my advice is: Don't love too much, more than necessary. Don't waste love, when at the end it only takes a secondary role in the whole story of life.